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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 17, 2008 10:30 PM |
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A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!
Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"
To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A police officer stops someone for speeding and asks him very nicely for his license.
He replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted December 17, 2008 11:50 PM |
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I hate...
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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Mamgaeater
Legendary Hero
Shroud, Flying, Trample, Haste
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posted December 18, 2008 12:51 AM |
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Dagoth My good man, you've just won this thread.
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Protection From Everything.
dota
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Nikita
Famous Hero
Meepo is underrated
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posted December 18, 2008 05:00 AM |
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Quote:
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
  best one i have heard
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phoenixreborn
Promising
Legendary Hero
Unicorn
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posted December 18, 2008 05:07 AM |
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Dagoth is channeling George Carlin. Nice one.
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kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted December 18, 2008 12:16 PM |
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Muler walks near a construction site. A brick hits his head.
"first one" thinks Muler
"second one" thinks Shtirlic and throws another brick
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted December 18, 2008 01:20 PM |
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Quote:
5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
What about:
When people comment while watching a film all sorts of things like 'how stupid can he be?' or 'man this sucks' or whatever. Dude, if I wanted a damn review I would have stayed home and surf imdb for reviews 
(luckily, I watch movies on TV home )
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The above post is subject to SIRIOUSness.
No jokes were harmed during the making of this signature.
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 18, 2008 03:14 PM |
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How about...
I hate when I do something some people don't agree and then ask me "How could you do that?!". Well, I just did it, and you know how, so what kind of question is that?
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Homer171
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted December 18, 2008 04:48 PM |
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Very nice rant Dagoth
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Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
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kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted December 19, 2008 11:12 AM |
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Few things that are worth doing during an exam when you know you gonna fail it anyway.
1. Vomit in your exam book. Give it to the examinator. Leave
2. Get to the exam with slippers, wearing a robe and a towel on your head
3. Throw stuff at the examinator when he/she isnt looking. Blame your desk neighbour
4. Come to the exam vearing a black cape. After a while put on a white mask and yell "its me, the phantom of the opera!" till you are dragged out of the exam
5. Tear the paper with the questions in tiny pieces, throw it in the air and say "Merry christmas". Ask for another one. Say that you lost the first one. Repeat this every 15 minutes.
6. Dissasemble everything that you can put your hands on. Everything
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted December 19, 2008 02:32 PM |
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When you go to the mall... Try these things out to avoid boredom...
1) Sit in one of the dressing rooms and shout, because you're out of toilet paper...
2) Leave a trail of orange juice behind on your way to the actual toilet...
4) If someone asks whether he can help you, start crying uncontrollably and shout: " Why won't you people just leave me alone and give me some GODDAMN peace and quiet ??!!"
5) Use the refelctive lense of the nearest security camera as a mirror to look for the best angle with which to pick at your nose...
6) Hide somewhere in the clothe racks. When someone is checking out the wide range of clothes, you whisper: " Pick me! Pick me!"
7) Pick up the biggest knife out of the knife department and ask whether they know where to find the anti-deprseeants .
8)When someone makes an announcement through the intercom, curl up on the floor and scream: " It's the voices again!! It's the voices again!!"
9) Sneak through the racks in a suspicious-looking way, while humming the mission impossible tune, go to the store clerk and tell him in a very serious tone: " We have a code three in the dairy department." Look what happens.
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted December 19, 2008 02:41 PM |
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 19, 2008 02:55 PM |
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Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?
It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's.
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
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JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted December 19, 2008 02:57 PM |
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Quote:
...shampoo, manicure...
Are you sure this was a man? 
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DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 19, 2008 03:01 PM |
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Well I didn't make these jokes myself, so if at some places they don't make sense it's not my fault.
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted December 19, 2008 05:39 PM |
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A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.
The owner, a bit outraged, says "Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place.."
A bit bewildered, the guy answers "But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here."
The owner quietly replies : "Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!"
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5 Times TV
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Mamgaeater
Legendary Hero
Shroud, Flying, Trample, Haste
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posted December 19, 2008 06:15 PM |
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Quote:
Well I didn't make these jokes myself, so if at some places they don't make sense it's not my fault.
you picked them
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Protection From Everything.
dota
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 19, 2008 06:21 PM |
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Nevertheless, you can get the point of the joke.
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kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted December 20, 2008 10:57 AM |
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Quote:
@Kipshasz:
7. Do this!!!!
that was cool 
some more things that are worth doing during an exam whe you know tou gonna fail it anyway
8. speak during the exam. read loudly the questions,your answers etc. when someone says you to shut up say : "yeaah... like you can hear my thoughts
9. when you receive the questions,eat the piece of paper with those questions
10. take the exam questions. after a while yell "to hell with this!" and get out of the exam in a very arrogant pose
11. come to the exam totaly drunk.(totaly drunk means that you can say that the examinator is a blundering buffon and insist for a good grade)
12. say that the examionator looks very sexy
13. try to make a wave (like in stadium)
14. write your answers in a foreign language. if you dont know any, invent one
15. get to the class,take the questions. sit. after a while say to the examinator: "who the hell are you? i've been to all the lectures. i dont understand a thing! wheres the dude who tought all this???!!"
16. run in to the class,look around with panic. say to the examinator: "they found me, i must get out of the country" and run away
17. bring a huge and hideuos statue of some god. pray to hime. sacrifice him something
18. if you are required to prove something make your answer as long as possible and connect this with your life story
19. write some interesting answers,why you don't want to answer this question. E.g. "i refuse to answer this because this is against my religion." be creative
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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doomnezeu
Supreme Hero
Miaumiaumiau
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posted December 20, 2008 11:37 AM |
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Quote:
What about:
When people comment while watching a film all sorts of things like 'how stupid can he be?' or 'man this sucks' or whatever. Dude, if I wanted a damn review I would have stayed home and surf imdb for reviews
(luckily, I watch movies on TV home )
Word. Or when some idiot next to you tells you what is going to happen in the next scene: "Take care AN ALIEN LOLITA IS GOING TO COME OUT AND KILL EVERYBODY!!!!111"
Man, those are the moments I wish there was a death penalty for stupidity.
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This thread is pages long: 
