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Heroes Community > Other Side of the Monitor > Thread: Downhill Times
Thread: Downhill Times [ This thread is 26 pages long: (1) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 ]
guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 02, 2005 03:22 AM

Downhill Times

Have you ever experienced a real down point in your life (thus far) where you felt like everything was going downhill?  That you were losing everything you every loved and cared for?  That your sense of familiarity and security in life had suddenly crumbled to pieces?  That you had very little or nothing to look forward to?

The person you had the biggest crush on moved away or perhaps your pet dog got run over by a truck.  You had a major falling out with your best buddy or maybe a close friend of yours committed suicide.  You lost a loved one or perhaps your feeling were hurt by a loved one.

It could be many things.  It could've torn your entire soul apart.  Please be honest if you'd like to share about it.  And do feel free, if you will, to tell about how you dealt with your feelings.

-guitarguy
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Consis
Consis


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
posted March 02, 2005 09:19 AM

Yes

I do. The last time I posted a really bad day was right before Heroes Community crashed. My thoughts were lost. But posting them here was very helpful. All the friendly people in this place made me feel so much better. I found that I was not alone in the world. Their kindness has led me to want to help others the way I was helped.

Guitarguy,

How is everything in your life? It's ok to post whatever is happening in your life. There are lots of people, myself included, who would gladly listen to your list of woes and ordeals. You may find that someone else has experienced something similar to what you've gone through. I have found it to be very helpful when a person realizes they are not alone in sharing hard times with others. I don't speak for anyone else. I will gladly listen to what you have to say. Maybe I can help or maybe I can't but at least I am willing to listen.

Try to remember that sometimes friends are closer than you think. People can be worlds apart and still help each other.
____________
Roses Are RedAnd So Am I

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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 02, 2005 11:36 AM bonus applied.

Okay, this is a long story. Keep in mind: the setting is in Honolulu, Hawaii.

I've always been a rather quiet person. Since my earliest school years, I've always had a hard time socially. I'd hesitate to speak out in front of people, so I'd end up with little or no friends to hang out with. I was so uptight, I was even against showing my smile in public. I was just too embarrassed to be "open", in general. That's not to say my classmates weren't friendly to me at all; for the times that we've worked together, I'd say they were decent, actually. I eventually reached high school and had several semi-friends to associate with. Things went horribly wrong for me when my grades dropped in freshmen year; by the end of the second semester, I ended up leaving my school. Any friendships I had from those times faded as I switched gears to a new HS environment.

My new school was a lot smaller and contrasted greatly from what I was used to before. It was a major transition period. From day one, I attempted to smile and appear cordial to the people around me. I somehow felt it was necessary to put some change into my social life. As it turned out, I was treated well by my peers there, although I didn't make any regular friends. This was 10th grade, and things would gradually improve for me.

Around the same time, I started to take church attendance seriously. I had always been attending Sunday School, but anything I gained from those experiences seemed to take a back seat to the pressures of school. The people at my church have always been very warm and friendly, although I could never really repay them in the same ways they've shown me. That is, until after 9th grade. I got involved with the church's high school youth program and got to make friends with really nice kids. A lot of them were juniors and seniors, but more to my surprise, most of them came from top schools in the state. I never thought I'd be able to make friends with smart students! Several of them were girls, and I couldn't believe how cool it was to hang out with them, as I never really had the courage to approach girls before. There were youth activities and camps I participated in; these really helped to bring me closer to these new friends of mine. Closer, in fact, than any social progress I'd been making at my new school. To add to that, I started learning guitar from my youth advisors. That was the start of a new hobby that I'd never touched before which I'd continue to pursue through the years. So now I had a group of good friends, a good church, and a good interest in playing music.

*The Important Part*

There's this girl I befriended in that youth group. She was actually in the grade below me at my old school, so we had a lot to talk about. I'll call her Laura. It was always very nice to chat with her since she is very sweet. She's quiet and soft-spoken, just as I am, but very smart and studious as well. It didn't hit me until around 2003 during my junior year that I had a huge crush on her. By that time, however, I had grown to be very social with my friends and no longer the quiet person I used to be. In this new light, I was always happy to see Laura on Sunday mornings. There was a major drawback, though. I'd have to wait the entire week before I could see her again, since we attended different schools. As time went on, this weekly waiting started getting even more painful.

The crush was ready to peak by early 2004. Our youth gang was at a picnic when I called Laura to the side for a short moment. I asked her if she would be my date at my school's senior prom. I was truly delighted when she told me it was alright with her. Then came prom night, now months later. It was the crappiest prom in the whole blasted country, but Laura definitely made it wonderful for me. I did my best to keep her comfortable, as she was a bit shy about being from another school. She looked absolutely beautiful in her prom dress; I couldn't think of a better person to be with. Nobody else at church knows that I took her to my prom; we tried to keep it a secret since we're very conservative about these things. The memory sticks warmly to me at this very moment.

I am currently in my second semester as a freshman in college and Laura is finishing her senior year at my old school. We are still close friends, but still only see each other on Sundays. We both don't drive, so that limits us even more. Laura has been very busy lately with college applications and senior projects, so she hasn't always been able to attend youth gatherings or camps as we did in previous years. The youth group, by the way, had died down a lot because the active ones are away at college. So it's just me, her, and several others. It pains me greatly enough not seeing her during the week; if she's too busy to show up on Sundays, I'm one miserably unhappy sap. And I mean VERY unhappy. I can honestly say that Laura is the one aspect of my life that I care about most (besides my faith). She means that much to me, although she's not totally aware of the intensity of my crush on her. I have to hold it in, as I don't want to scare her off. Nevertheless, I know deep down that I'd face a majorly tough time if I couldn't see her for extended periods. I've written many a song about how much I need her.

It turns out Laura applied successfully for a mainland college. In less than a year, she'll be an ocean away. I'm well-aware of all the pain and hardships I'll have to face when she leaves. My heart aches constantly. She constitutes a huge chunk of my life as I know it, and nothing at home, college, church, or anywhere will completely ease the pain I'm about to face. That part of my life will go with her. I will have lost the one earthly treasure that I've lived by for the longest time. When she goes, I don't know how I'll manage to pull through until she comes back.

-guitarguy
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Wiseman
Wiseman


Known Hero
posted March 02, 2005 03:53 PM
Edited By: Wiseman on 2 Mar 2005

"Have you ever experienced a real down point in your life (thus far) where you felt like everything was going downhill? That you were losing everything you every loved and cared for? That your sense of familiarity and security in life had suddenly crumbled to pieces? That you had very little or nothing to look forward to?"

No.


Considering the rest of the heart-breaking,lip-wobbling, tear-jearking banter:
Well, you have two options my lad:
1. Either you can pity yourself until the next goodlooking biblethumper comes along.
2. Or you can drop everything, reveal your true feelings to her, and follow her to mainland where you`ll live happily ever after.


____________
Truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.

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TheRealDeal
TheRealDeal


Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
posted March 02, 2005 04:07 PM

I'm starting to think that this thread was made, just for me. That when you were typing, you thought "this one goes out to RD!" You didn't, but it's a funny thought. Downhill times, well lets just say it's something i'm very familiar with, and the last time was shown to the fair people here at HC, and members stood ready to ease my wounds, and it helped. It took a long time before i was cured, knowing that its something that will come back. 20 % of all Teens have tried to commit suicide, out of depression, and 12 % of all grownups. Thats actually a lot of people who have succumbed to this, to this sorrow. So for us who stayed in life, during our sorrow, i'd like to tell all of you that i'm glad you didn't give up. I'm glad your here, and in a way your a hero, just for not giving up.

Not giving up is the first step towards freedom, redemption and a good life. The fact that you can say "I've got to try!" is a victory. But it's not over there, you've still got to fight to hang in, in life there is no "Remakes" and "Check-Points", if you lose the big one, you've lost it all. So hang on when you've had your victory, everyone can achieve something. It might not be a million dollars, or miss universe, but thats not all here in life.. I'm no saint, i haven't made it, so i'm not on the other side saying "C'moon lassie!", i'm also fighting. I've stayed in the game and i want to score!

So Goodhill times, here we come!
____________
*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.

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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 03, 2005 03:21 AM

Yeah, to give up way before the battle's over would be a waste. But still, laying low is painfully hard when the mind continues to linger on the subject. I just feel like I need something to latch onto while I go through all this.

-guitarguy
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greek_god_su...
greek_god_superman


Famous Hero
Bringer Of Light
posted March 03, 2005 04:48 PM

Downhill times...

Right now I have some problems with my school (four courses unfinished, cause of absence and incomplete works) and with local police and my parents complain about my use of alcohol. Some major problems with gf and no money. I own money to people and last phone bill not paid yet. So I guess Im having one of those downhill times.
____________
After all, marriage and murder are not too different - one ends your life and the other is a crime

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted March 03, 2005 09:18 PM

So many issues that causes so much stress.
Stress causes the downhill, the more you have the more depressed you feel.
It's life, we all have them, we just learn to deal with them.

People seem to create thier own stress too, which causes it, & it's optional,you can take certain procedures to make the problem less complicated, but people love attention.

Theres Stress that cant be solved over night like watching a family member hurt themselves & you have to watch it & theres the little stress like having 20 BF or GF & you have to decide which one you want lol.

Point is the less stress you have in life, the less you feel downhill.

Also when you can accept on the person you are, then you can just say F people who degrade me & talk to people who respect & like you for you.
For THE REAL DEAL & others after reading Overwieght thread etc.
You have to accept what you are, it's just life & sometimes you have to live with it.
Ignore people who degrade you & talk to those who know you & treat you with proper respect.
If you dwell on words then you will feel low about your self.

Theres many issues like that & when you can learn to accept it.
When you get older you will accept it more & just be yourself.
____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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DonGio
DonGio


Promising
Famous Hero
of Clear Water Mountain Clan
posted March 04, 2005 07:42 AM

If you wanna score, you gotta put the lotion on it.
____________
There are 10 types of people: Those who read binary, and those who don't.

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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 04, 2005 09:43 AM

Quote:
If you wanna score, you gotta put the lotion on it.

That's a...peculiar way to solve a problem. Luxury, rather.

-guitarguy
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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted March 04, 2005 02:59 PM

I HATE THAT WORD PECULIAR!!!
____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted March 04, 2005 04:59 PM bonus applied.
Edited By: Peacemaker on 9 Mar 2005

Dear guitarguy:

Thomas Jefferson once said a healthy body-politic should have a revolution at least every twenty-five years.

I have found that I experience such a thing in my personal life -- only my "revolutions" tend to come every eight years or so.  The latest one has gone on for about five years now.  I have found that the length of the "personal revolution" depends on whether one is willing to let go of the things in one's life that change without one's consent.

When I was about 10 the kids in my school figured out that the next year we'd all be attending middle school where my father was the principle.  The torture started early -- that year (fifth grade), before we started middle school together.  I was branded the class pariah; people started being aggressively hateful toward me and literally ganging up on me.  

Even my "boyfriend" (my first love and best-friend since third grade) turned around one day after three years of very close friendship, and out of the blue, said: "You scrub, you have an ugly face.  I hate you."  Then he started on about his new "real" girlfriend, how much prettier and smarter she was than I.  I fell apart right there in Science class. The teacher, Mr. Meek, didn't hear all the stuff Mike said to me.  All he saw was me crying. I was such an uncontrollable wreck he had to take me to the school nurse, where I lay on the gurney and cried for hours.  I could not speak for the rest of the day and did not tell anyone what happened for a long time after that.

The last day of fifth grade, during the school olympics when everyone had extra belts to use for the three-legged race,  I got shoved into a cubbyhole by the class door and belt-beaten to near unconsciousness by nearly the entire class, many of whom I had considered long-standing friends.  That was my initation into middle school.

Things only deteriorated during the next three unbearable years in middle school.  I was tortured relentlessly, ganged up on, jumped, teased, and generally treated with contempt by everyone around me.  It didn't help that I was not quite "White" and not quite "Chicano" (the two main aspects of the school constituency).  As my dad used to say, I was a minority unto myself.  Everybody on both sides hated me viciously.  I started to become rather dangerous I was so hurt and angry.  Things like Columbine do not surprise me one bit after what I experienced.

When I started in high school there were still a bunch of kids that would not let go of it.  But now I had new friends -- older girls who were really tough, pretty, mean girls to whomever tried to mess with them.  They took me in.  I became just as mean as they were.  One by one I got into fights with those who continued to pick on me.  I got suspended a few times, but eventually almost all of them finally let me alone at a respectful distance.  

Then when I went to college in Boulder I got really sick and had to withdraw.  I got mononucleosis from the stress of not being able to keep up (I have dyslexia and graduated high school reading at only the third grade level.)  I went home and was ill for months.  I had to start all over again and chose a college closer to home, taking whatever I wanted to instead of some pre-designed curriculum.  I ended up totally falling in love with academe -- I was there for six years and graduated at the top of my class with the equivalent of three majors and three minors.  I delivered the student address to nine-hundred graduates, three thousand in the audience and three television cameras airing the graduation on the local tv stations.  The guest speaker was Wally Shirrah (one of the Mercury Mission astronauts) and we made great friends.  This was particularly special for me as I had been contemplating becoming a pilot and eventually an astronaut.

After taking a year to "sabbaticle" with my dad after college, I entered law school.  I also fell in love with a local med student, who ended up taking advantage of me by "borrowing" all my student loan money and not paying me back.  Again the stress was unbearable (I still had not caught up to law-school level reading by then, but would eventually do so.)  Because I could no longer afford rent, I had to move out of my apartment and into an unheated basement apartment with waterbugs so big you had to wrestle them to the ground.  I contracted contagious meningitis and was near death before friends came over to my little hovel and found me.  They took me to the doctor.

Eventually, I recovered but felt terribly damaged by the whole experience. That summer I started clerking at the Native American Rights fund, where I was really, really invested in my work.  Over the next two years I would develop the first law library of Indian Laws and regulations -- a vast amount of data -- and meeting tribal leaders from all over the country.  

I went on to survive law school, take the bar exam and pass it (barely) the first take.  I was immediatly hired at the Attorney General's Office, where I believed I would work forever.  I bought my own house that same year -- my ultimate dream.  I was very, very happy with my life -- I had a great job that I loved and my own house that I started remodeling to make it exactly the way I wanted it.

Well, like clockwork, about eight years later everything fell apart again.  I had been involved with my first husband for about five years when I became pregnant.  We were not officially married until four days before my son was born -- we had a quick, modest ceremony in the back yard and were married by one of our closest friends -- an American Indian clergyman and member of AIM.

I ended up divorcing my husband within a year after the baby came.  He had totally drifted away from me during the pregnancy and would not even sleep in the same bed with me anymore, even after the baby came.  He acted like he didn't even like me anymore.  Meanwhile, upon my return to work I found myself swept completely off my feet by one of my co-workers I had known and been friends with for years.  He was also married.  Over the course of that year I became more and more miserable -- and to make matters worse, this man was married to a rather insane individual who began writing anonymous letters to the newly elected Attorney General about what a terrible employee I was.  I ended up losing my beloved job, and had to sell my beloved house.  My baby and I ended up in one of my brother's units, a crumbling duplex with holes in the ceiling so big that birds regularly flew in, no heat and no toilet.  I set about remodeling that place too, but could not find a job for a very long time.  

My friend had started divorce proceedings after realizing he was in love with me and I with him, and that he could not take his wife's insanity anymore.  He moved into an apartment, and my baby and I would go there to bathe and reprieve after working on our apartment all day.  Meanwhile, eventually there was a conflict in the City and they needed an overload judge.  Somebody recommended me for the case, and they liked me and hired me after I presided over that hearing.  That's when I became a personnel judge.

Meanwhile, the insane wife continued after me -- doing things like leaving dead animals on her doorstep and throwing rocks through her own windows and then calling the police and reporting that I did it.  When she couldn't bring me down like that (the investigators saw right through all of it) she then started going after her husband in the same way she went after me.  She managed to drag the divorce out for over two years and it cost well over 50,000.  She managed to coax him over to her house and get him arrested after the divorce was final. He was supposed to pick his things up from the garage but she acted like nobody was home, so he broke the side door window to get his stuff and get away from her.  She called the police on him and they arrested him for breaking and entering. (He intended to have to door replaced.)

A year and a month later, we were married.  I now have a beautiful home, I'm married to my soulmate, and I have a child that is the most intense miracle I could ever imagine.  However, hard times are abounding since I was rotated out of the City personnel judge position last year (they usually only keep them for three years and I was there nearly five) and I am struggling to start my own fine arts business.  It's real difficult living only on my husband's salary, especially after the costly divorce and all the bills and whatnot.  But we're managing.

So, that's about it.  Guitarman, I want to commiserate with you that in my experience there's nothing more painfull than losing a love.  It just about killed me more than a few times, and I felt like I would never recover.  

Sometimes it literally took years, but I always did.  Thank God I managed to do so -- or I would have missed all the stuff that's happened and keeps happening in my life.  And most of all, my son would not have been born, which would have been a great loss indeed.

And it's not like she's leaving you because she doesn't care anymore.  It's that she's a strong enough woman and she is prusuing the solid construction of her own life.  I like the suggestion above that you might consider trying to get enrolled at the same college or one near it.  I would tell her exactly how I feel if I were you, and see how she feels about you joining her in her new habitat.  Either way,  my heart is with you.  And yes, we all have these periods in our lives, when everything falls apart or seems to be doing so.  

But hang tight -- you never know what's going to happen next!!!  And the more tough times you survive, the more complete a person you become, if you can let go and let it happen.  Things always happen for a reason, and they usually work out the way they're supposed to, whether we like the way they're happening or not.  We are here to learn to let go when we have to, but manage the changes and work around them when we can.
____________
I have PMS and a handgun.  Any questions?

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted March 04, 2005 06:26 PM

Sometimes you make a choice & you make the harder choice of the two, you go through more heck & you think you are getting no where & you wish you choose the other route in your life.

Then because you choose a harder route, it brings a more better life for ya in the outcome, not always but sometimes.
____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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pandora
pandora


Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
posted March 05, 2005 02:30 PM

QP applied to both Guitarguy and Peacemaker for your wonderful posts

To Guitarguy, this is a wonderful thread - thank you for giving other members a chance to share their stories with you - I hope that you've found the responses helpful. I can't say it any better than Peacemaker did

Quote:
But hang tight -- you never know what's going to happen next!!! And the more tough times you survive, the more complete a person you become, if you can let go and let it happen. Things always happen for a reason, and they usually work out the way they're supposed to, whether we like the way they're happening or not. We are here to learn to let go when we have to, but manage the changes and work around them when we can.


To Peacemaker, I don't even know how to express how much respect I have for you after reading that post. Not only because you've travelled such a hard road and your strength of character is amazing, but also that you put it all into words and share it on a public forum. I don't doubt that there's so much more you could say.

Thank you both so much for sharing with us
____________
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

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Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted March 05, 2005 03:23 PM

Pan --

Your words are incredibly kind.  I am humbled by the compliment you have paid me.

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Shiva
Shiva


Promising
Famous Hero
posted March 05, 2005 04:03 PM
Edited By: Shiva on 5 Mar 2005

I agree with you Pan, both Guitarguy and Peacemaker opened
themselves up for all to see, and its not easy to do. I'm
almost ready to talk about the girl who dumped me after
summer camp when I was 14, but I'm not as brave as those
folks. However, I can say for sure that no matter how
bad things seem to be or how broken ones heart is, as
long as we are alive we move on and things change.

I spent a night in the hospital before an operation on
my back. At that time, I saw clearly why someone would
kill themeself, when the quality of life seems so low
that there is nothing that can be seen on the horizon
that mitigates the pain.

We do heal, maybe not back to the way we were, but there
is renewal. Since that time in camp, my heart has been
broken a few times. Love is a (female dog(uh, doesn't sound as good as the real word)) of a game, but well
worth playing. Right now, I'm sort of unbreakable, maybe
cause I'm not involved with anyone, and not really wanting to either. That can change also.

Some people say love is God, God is love. If that is true
then love is infinite, and no wonder we as finite
human beings wind up being trashed when we try to contain
and own it.

Anyway Guitarguy, hang in there, write some more songs.
Where do ya think the blues came from?...
since my baby left me...you know what I mean. Angst is
a great creative force


____________

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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 05, 2005 04:16 PM
Edited By: guitarguy on 5 Mar 2005

To Pandora & Peacemaker:

Thank you so much for your helpful input. You have no idea how much I'm immersed in this topic; it's very much the key component affecting my life right now. I've spoken to many people both online and off about what I'm going through, but I've more or less always gotten the same discouraging "live with it" or "well, shape up your life, then" responses I'm sick of hearing. There's been very little sympathy out there from people who appear to be "better off". This thread, however, has been a heart-felt shift from what I'm used to getting. Thank you, it means everything.

And thank you to Shiva, Aculias, and others who have helped to share, as well.

I'll keep you filled in on my situation with Laura. Keep posting.

-guitarguy
____________

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted March 05, 2005 04:43 PM bonus applied.

Yea just shows how human we all are & we all go through it.
Some just go through certain situations worst then others.

My hearts go to you both.
I will give it a shot.

Back in the days I was pretty wild, I talked smack, I backed it up with my group, I crossed the streets right in front of your car without a care,I stole from stores just to see if i can get away with it.
Nowadays I cant even think of doing any of that now.
You only make a life change of your personality once in your life.
I also didnt get much attention from any family members so I decided to take it in my own hands to follow advice from my friends instead & they were just like me.
I never gratuated from high school, I smoked when 16,Weed & drunk alot.
Skipped classes hanged out & I never graduated from highschool or got a job so when I turned 18, I would not improve so my dad had no choice but to put me in a shelter.

My dad only cared about school, he didnt care about nothing else in my life so I had to learn life on my own.
This was one most scariest moments in my life.
I had to be a man when i was raised to never even know about life at all.
FOr first year I lived in shelter & mid 18 I found a job & met good friends.
One friends even today I consider my brother,we worked next door,we partied alot & other friends too.
He finally got with his GF she introduced me week later to a girl for me.
You know be my first GF I had so be kind of exciting.
First I met her she walked in my friends GF room & saw me & just had that I want you look.
First thang she does is attack me in loveful lust I am like WTF lol.
She pulled me in bathroom & that was my very first time with sex, She forced it on me lol.
So we became BF GF.
She became really straight forward.
She wanted me to get her pregnant quick as possible & wanted to get married in 3 months too.
I lived with her in her Townhouse, she already had 3 kids so I had to be a step father to them & they li9stened to me quick, because she was neglective & showed no discipline, so i had to take act.
No I did not spank them .
My brother & his GF came over alot also & after a 2 weeks,I found out that she was still having contact with her husband.
I was like uh, I dont know what to do this is new to me lol.
My brother came to find her one day working.....as a prostitute.
We always did it no protection.... I never used protection before.
She got pregnant finally.
I was scared but then one day my brother found some stuff out while going out to store & he found her with her Hubby.
We found some stuff out later on.
She never was divorced, she was still married,She lied to me & cheated on me.
Also so wanted to get married quick with a kid so I can pay child support & she can get back with him.
My brother came to me & said, you got to get rid of her.
I told her how i felt & I was leaving her.
She was crying on how it was not true & she threatened that if i left her she will get an abortion.
I had to leave her & didnt think she actually would till I found out in hispital she did imediately.
That was horrible.

I went back to shelters & got another job & took on Jr COllege taking couple classes & met my next GF.
She was so nice & great.
We were great friends & always hanged out & was great until I moved accross bay, then we not had much contact.
I lived my aunt & she was a nut.
She a hugh crack attic so nough said.
Well my GF & I argued alot but I messed up only time with a relationship.
Last straw was when my Aunt forced me to smoke crack or she kick me out of her house.
I told my GF that & she just couldnt handle worrying about me anymore.
One day she sat me down at resturaunt & to;d me she leaving me. she couldnt deal with it anymore.
I was so crushed i didnt think she would.

My aunt gave me 3 emotional breakdowns & made me feel like crap & said words that was unhuman.
Making you feel like your fault & just what she tought about you etc.

I got a hold of my real brother & he leaving some friends & his new GF.
it was straight up partynation in there, was just bunch friends.
me his GF sister, another guy leaving there & always 10-15 people coming over.
One day his GF sister just decided to come to me at night & I was like uhh.
ANother sex attack under my will. Then after i came to loving her.
Through yrs I cared so much for her I done everythang, I was there for her I spent thousands on her, I made sure she alright but she used that to her own advantage.
She cheated in front of me & behind my back  knowing I wouldnt leave her.
She treated me like total crap, she talk me down in front friends, she make me look so horrible I lost my confidence in my self.
This gone on for so many yrs I was 20 till 25, till finally she met a guy for first time & got herself pregnamt the first night she met him.
It was a confusing state, cause 3 others including me had sex with her so we didnt know whos kid it was.
She said it was my kid so I could buy her stuff.
She finally ran off with the guy she just met about days drive out city.

My brother his GF & thier father came to LA to see the kid & her new baby.
At first was tought to be mine but after a day it developed & it was they guys she just met.
She left me without even breaking it off.

Everyones mad at her & nowadays, shes been bad mother, & thier father neglective & lets them drink beer & smokes weed right in thier face.
"WHo cares they will be doing it anyways.
They should of been mine, He stole her from me....

I feel in a severe depression,I came on the net & thats when I started to talk to you guys, I was down on myself.
As you know when i met Kitten on here & it was cool.
Yalls know story to that.

Now I have a good job,I live in my own descent apartment. I learned about survival in life 7 I know how to survive in this world.
Thats why I know what I am talking about when i give advice, I been through everyway & i know whats up .
____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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guitarguy
guitarguy


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Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 05, 2005 08:25 PM

You must know whats up, indeed!

Wow, that was quite a history. It looks like you managed to hold together well in the long run; I doubt I would've been able to do the same in that situation.

The situation I wrote about just deals with me and and a girl; only two people. I just realized how much harder it would be if quite a few people were involved. Especially if it's one of those downhill times, then there's a lot more potential for people to be hurt by it. Thanks for giving me a new perspective to think about.

-guitarguy
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guitarguy
guitarguy


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Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 07, 2005 07:28 AM
Edited By: guitarguy on 7 Mar 2005

This ain't the

Well, it's just been Sunday and I did see Laura in the morning. But we didn't have time to speak because we weren't sitting together in class and there were a lot of others there (shyness factor kicked in for both of us). I heard her tell our youth leader that she will be on a trip to Canada for two weeks starting next Sunday, so I won't be seeing her until after Spring Break is over. Just perfect, I thought. Another mini separation to tease me as I prepare for her true departure later this summer.

Overall, this Sunday was no different from last Sunday. Such a day that isn't really bad on the surface, but stings on a personal level. This was an especially rough week for me because I got over what seemed to be a 12-day cold mixed with a deadly bunch of English papers and a Biology midterm. During times like these, I feel *very* distant from things that are warm and comfortable (not surprisingly). Laura is one of those, and that's one of the main reasons why Sundays appear to be the light at the end of the tunnel for me every week. She is my gleaming beacon of hope, and yet if I don't get interaction of any sort from her after all that wait, I'll be worse off.

I know, I already complained about this before. But I think some of the little details need to get out of my system.

When I look at Laura sitting there, I'm just mystified by how sweet she looks! Being very quiet, she rarely initiates conversation in a large group. Her calm and observant look captivates. She has a nice smile, as well. More than just looks, she is very pleasant in conversation. Her voice is often barely audible anywhere but in the most quiet of locations. I've found something positive in all of these attributes, but the fact that she's very smart tends to attract me just as powerfully.

There was a coffee-shop youth outing on Friday night; I attended. Laura couldn't make it, but I didn't find out why until Sunday. Turns out she had a series of interviews with some company; she was trying out for some nation-wide scholarships. Interviews? I never had to go through those kinds of things at my high school. I'm truly amazed by how she can get that much accomplished. It's not just extra-curricular activities she has to do; there's also senior projects and whole loads of homework. More stuff I left behind when I moved to the easier school. I've much respect for all the effort she's put into her studies and priorities, even though it has subtracted some time from youth activities. I know she's doing the right thing all along. Her parents have high expectations for her; she's right on it, I can tell. What a girl.

So here I sit and wait, along with the other how many guys and their individual dilemmas, hoping that time will go by fast enough. During the week, I'm constantly wondering if Laura thinks about me sometimes. It would be something (wouldn't it?) if she *did* take time away from her schoolwork to think of me a little. If I knew she did, I'd be in near bliss. To be happy that I'm not one that fades away almost indefinitely. I wish I knew something like that to use as a crutch. Something to live on while I wait.

The 6-day wait has now shifted to 14 through 21 days. Oh boy.

-guitarguy
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