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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Tell a joke
Thread: Tell a joke This thread is 25 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 ... 21 22 23 24 25 · «PREV / NEXT»
Vindicator
Vindicator


Supreme Hero
Right Back Extraordinaire
posted December 28, 2012 11:55 PM
Edited by Vindicator at 00:05, 29 Dec 2012.

Hey, why is Rihanna getting back together with Chris Brown?

...

Beats me!






It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.




I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.





I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.





A man was giving away dead batteries...free of charge of course!
____________

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master_learn
master_learn


Legendary Hero
walking to the library
posted January 05, 2013 11:04 PM

At a final university exam, a clearly inebriated student walked into the lecture hall.
“Excuse me, proffffessor, can a student sit your exam if he’s drrrrunk?”
The professor thought about it and said, “Generally I’m against it, but okay.”
“Thhhank you,” said the student, then leaned into the hallway and shouted:
“Brrrrring him in, boys!”
____________
"They made a Heroes V? "-OhforfSake

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Salamandre
Salamandre


Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Wog refugee
posted January 06, 2013 01:26 AM

How do you know if a blonde has been playing with your computer?
The joystick is wet.

What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
Their ankles.

Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop!

How does a blonde prefer her eggs in the morning?
Unfertilized.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
____________
All my Era II mods

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fred79
fred79


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
chewer of expensive shoes
posted January 12, 2013 01:44 AM

so, god created adam. and adam, after playing with himself so long, seems bored. he keeps eyeing the goats. so god, not wanting adam to defile himself, talks to adam.

"adam", he says. "i can see that you need to... *ahem* relieve yourself. so, i will make you a woman."

god continues- "she will be everything you ever wanted in a mate. she will be clean, smell wonderful, have a great sense of humor, a beautiful body, will never nag you, and will do her best to please you sexually, and without complaint. and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg."

adam is concerned. "ALL it will cost me? an arm and a leg? well... what can i get for a rib?"

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watcher83
watcher83


Supreme Hero
Child of Malassa
posted January 12, 2013 09:49 AM
Edited by watcher83 at 09:50, 12 Jan 2013.

Two guys are working in the desert for a company to find artifacts in the sand. As one of the guys lies down he gets stung by a scorpion right on the head of his sexual organ and he starts screaming in pain.
The other guys picks up his cell phone and dials to the ambulance service.
- Hello we need immediate assistance, my friend got stung by a scorpion.
- Can I have your location please?
- Sure we are in the middle of the desert ....( continues with the exact location)
- Sir I'm afraid that it would take too long for an ambulance to get there but fear not I will explain what u have to do to save your friend's life.

Then the guy looks to his friend and says: "She will now tell me what we can do." And then continues the conversation on the phone.
- Yes I'm listening, please tell me what we can do?
- Well it's simple actually, you have to make a short incision where he was stung and suck out the poison in his blood.
At this moment the guy just ends the conversation and puts his phone away.
The injured looking at his friend confused says:
- Well? What did she say?
- She said you're gonna die.
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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted January 29, 2013 08:15 PM

3 guys are arguing. Each claims that his granddad is the shortest.

The first one says:
- My granddad is 1.20 meters tall.

The second one says:
- My granddad is 1 meter tall.

The third one says:
- My granddad is so short that he fell off his ladders when he was trying to gather strawberries in his garden!
____________

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smithey
smithey


Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
posted January 29, 2013 10:17 PM

Three grannies are playing chess, in comes the fourth one and turns the lights off....

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Zenofex
Zenofex


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
posted February 26, 2013 06:00 PM

According to the latest researches conducted by top psychologists, the best stress-reducing exercise looks as follows:
1. Imagine that you are standing in the middle of a river, waist-deep;
2. The weather is perfect, the surrounding nature is breathtaking, you can hear the birds singing;
3. Nobody else knows about this place;
4. The water is crystal-clear;
5. Due to 4, you can see the face of the person who you are holding under the water in great details.

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master_learn
master_learn


Legendary Hero
walking to the library
posted February 27, 2013 06:01 PM

From Good Will Hunting:
Will: Do you like apples?
Clark: Yeah.
Will: Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?

____________
"They made a Heroes V? "-OhforfSake

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Drakon-Deus
Drakon-Deus


Bad-mannered
Legendary Hero
Everywhere and nowhere
posted February 27, 2013 06:59 PM

Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting? He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against Irishmen whatsoever.
____________

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Tsar-Ivor
Tsar-Ivor


Legendary Hero
♀ DEUS VULT!!! ♀
posted February 27, 2013 07:20 PM
Edited by Tsar-Ivor at 19:20, 27 Feb 2013.

Quote:
Disclaimer: I have nothing against Irishmen whatsoever


*Wink* *WINK*
____________
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."

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mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
HC SUPPORTER
posted February 27, 2013 07:35 PM

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.
____________
Eccentric Opinion

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Drakon-Deus
Drakon-Deus


Bad-mannered
Legendary Hero
Everywhere and nowhere
posted February 27, 2013 07:38 PM



A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying snow!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying snow for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
____________

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Ghost
Ghost


Supreme Hero
Therefore I am
posted February 27, 2013 07:46 PM

Why NoobX don't like Blizzardboy? Because Blizzardboy is L. S. Larry

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Minion
Minion


Legendary Hero
posted February 27, 2013 08:06 PM
Edited by Minion at 20:06, 27 Feb 2013.

A man found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie
said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I have always wanted a huge mansion in Hollywood!" The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would want a million dollars!" The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

The last wish the man pondered a moment and said.. "Well I've always wanted to donate a kidney.."
____________
Our consciousness should be global, our footprint local.

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JoonasTo
JoonasTo


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
posted February 28, 2013 01:12 PM

Quote:
A man found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie
said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I have always wanted a huge mansion in Hollywood!" The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would want a million dollars!" The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

The last wish the man pondered a moment and said.. "Well I've always wanted big penis..."

fixed
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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted March 09, 2013 10:13 PM

One day I decided to get a haircut...


____________

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artu
artu


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
posted April 01, 2013 02:08 AM

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

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Damacon_Ace
Damacon_Ace


Famous Hero
Back after a long absence
posted April 01, 2013 11:28 AM

Child: What's red and looks like a bucket?
Adult: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Child: (silly grin) A red bucket, or as I would say, a redket!
(Ha Ha)
____________
Awk! Squeal! Bubble!
Squeak! Moo!

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted April 30, 2013 10:40 AM

A heart attack and a brain tumor are arguing who's deadlier of the two.

Heart attack: -I am so deadly that I can kill this blonde in a second.-

Brain tumor: -Oh, yeah? Come on!-

Heart attack: *points a the blonde's chest; the blonde dies instantly* -That's how you do it!-

Brain tumor: -Alright, look at that blonde over there. I'm going to kill her now.- *points at the blonde's head; nothing happens* -Oh, wait, I can't work on blondes!-

*BA-DUM-TSSS*
----------------

Two Serbs are talking:
-What's worse: a brain tumor, or a pension?
-A pension. You can live longer with a brain tumor.
-----------------

A fisherman is on a boat. He manages to catch a little golden fish.

Fish: -Please let me go! I'll grant you a single wish!-

Fisherman: -What? Only one? I thought it was 3!-

Fish: -Nope, only one.-

Fisherman: -Then I wish I never caught you!-
---------------
____________

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