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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Tell a joke
Thread: Tell a joke This thread is 26 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 20 ... 22 23 24 25 26 · «PREV / NEXT»
Azagal
Azagal


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
posted September 20, 2013 01:07 PM

The CIA invited three men who they had scouted as potential spies. They all went through training with admirable scores, so they decided to accept them into their ranks. Before that however they wanted to test their commitment to the cause.
"Mr. Parker you have done well but before we can accept you you'll have to shoot your girlfriend you've been with for the past 6 months. She's in this room" he hands the young man a gun and waits for him to proceed. Without further thought the young man hands back the gun apologizes and leaves with his girlfriend.
They bring in Mr. Spencer "Mr Spencer before we can accept you into the agency you have to cut your ties to your personal life. In the next room is your newly wed Mrs. Spencer. You'll have to kill her" he hands him a gun and he disappears into the room, after a few minutes he comes back "I apologize but I can't do it".
Finally they bring in Mr. Oswald "Sir in the next room is your wife of 10 years, we can not allow things such as family tying you down. If you want to become an agent you'll have to kill her." He hands Oswald a gun, as soon as he enters the room you can hear 4 shots being fired followed by muffled screams.
Mr Oswald leaves the room and hands the agent back his gun "Some idiot loaded it with blanks, had to beat her to death with the chair."
____________
"The superior man is modest in
his speech but exceeds in his
actions." Confucius

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Celfious
Celfious


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Mickey cult member
posted September 24, 2013 05:47 AM

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill ticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "@#$% him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted March 27, 2014 05:19 PM

-What is Mozart doing right now?

-Decomposing.
____________

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Neraus
Neraus


Supreme Hero
Emperor of the Bromans
posted March 27, 2014 08:15 PM

You are free to appreciate this epic, extremely funny joke, that will completely destroy every single one of your humorous foundations.
And that will sign the ruin of every other joke, forcing you to laugh hysterically at this one.

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Doctor Who
____________
Wait, where is my clever punchline?

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fred79
fred79


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
posted March 30, 2014 05:11 AM

lol, didn't know this thread was still available when i made the other one.

-------------
a man went to a doctor to get his penis enlarged. this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. overjoyed after the procedure, the man went out with his girlfriend to a very fancy restaurant.

after cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a roll, and disappeared under the tablecloth. the guy's girlfriend was startled, and exclaimed, "what was that?"

suddenly, the penis came back, took another roll, and just as quickly disappeared back under the tablecloth.

the girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "i don't believe i've seen what i think i've seen. can you do that again?"

with a bit of an uncomfortable smile, the man replied, "honey, i'd like to, but i don't think my ass can take another roll."

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baklava
baklava


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
posted March 30, 2014 06:35 AM

Quote:
So we all know that Kurt Cobain committed suicide by blowing off his head with a shotgun...

Mother always told him not to play with guns, but it went in one ear, and out the other

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted March 30, 2014 10:43 AM

-What's the fastest animal in the world?

-Anything passing through Ethiopia.
____________

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Tsar-Ivor
Tsar-Ivor


Legendary Hero
Live today for we die tomorrow
posted November 17, 2014 01:33 PM

A fox and a wolf meet in the forest.
- Hey wolf, let's beat up the rabbit.
- And why?
- If he has a hat on, then for that, if he doesn't, then we'll beat    him up for that.

They do this and beat up the rabbit. A week later they meet up again.
- Hey wolf, let's beat up the rabbit.
- And why this time?
- We'll ask him for a cigarette. If he gives us one with a filter then that's why, if one without then we'll beat him up for that.

They agree and go looking for rabbit.
- Rabbit, give us a cigarrete.
- What type? One with filter or one without.

Wolf and the fox look at each other.
- Hmm...Look wolf...He's not wearing his hat again!
____________
"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness" Jenny.

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kipshasz
kipshasz


Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
posted November 21, 2014 08:27 PM

middle of the night.
the husband is searching for something in the cupboards, making a lot of rattle.
The wife comes in and says:
- Why the hell are you making all this noise here?
- Honey, there should be a bottle of vodka somewhere.
The wife frowns.
- Bottle of vodka he says... you drank it during your father's funeral!
- Really? Oh... I was wondering why I don't see dad at home lately...
____________
Lithuanian folklore:
The Good and the Evil grab a few beers and go to watch how the neighbor's house is burning down.
* * *
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted November 29, 2014 11:09 PM

I wanted to listen to Before I Forget.


... I forgot.
____________

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kipshasz
kipshasz


Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
posted November 30, 2014 07:59 PM

the children of Colombia had built a snowman.
it's estimated value is 5 billion USD.
____________
Lithuanian folklore:
The Good and the Evil grab a few beers and go to watch how the neighbor's house is burning down.
* * *
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted December 13, 2014 07:31 PM

Every 60 seconds a single minute passes in the world.
____________

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Damian777
Damian777


Hired Hero
posted December 20, 2014 11:47 PM

-Are you all right?
-No, I'm also half left and something hanging in the middle.

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mihaitza
mihaitza


Hired Hero
martin had a dream
posted January 01, 2015 06:44 PM

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

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markkur
markkur


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
posted June 27, 2015 12:08 PM

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.

Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

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AnkVaati
AnkVaati


Known Hero
Nighonese National Front
posted June 27, 2015 01:50 PM

"My wife is in the Caribbean."

"Jamaica?"

"No, she wanted to go."


____________

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Drakon-Deus
Drakon-Deus


Bad-mannered
Legendary Hero
Everywhere and nowhere
posted December 20, 2015 07:14 AM

Richard Carlson on Zombies: "You see them sometimes walking around blindly with dead eyes, following orders, not knowing what they do, not caring."

Bob Hope: You mean like Democrats?

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fred79
fred79


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 04, 2016 09:12 AM

carried over from some vw posts, for posterity:

q. what do you call a cannibalistic cop?

a. a man-eating pig.    (this one i made up myself. yaaay, me!)


q. what did helen keller do when she fell off a cliff?

a. she screamed her hands off.


q. what did the leper say to the prostitute?

a. keep the tip.


3 vampires walk into a bar. the 1st one asks the bartender for a pint of blood, the bartender says, "i'm sorry, we don't serve blood here." the second vampire also asks for a pint of blood, and gets the same response. the 3rd vampire asks for a pot of hot water. the other 2 vampires look at him quizzically. he pulls out a used tampon and says, "what? you've never heard of tea before?"


q. how are a necrophiliac and an alcoholic alike?

a. they both like to crack open a cold one.


q. what's the difference between period blood and sand?

a. you can't gargle sand.

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Stevie
Stevie


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
HC SUPPORTER
posted May 22, 2016 10:58 PM

My girlfriend asked me the other day how I'd like her to cosplay as a 15 year old. I said that would be ridiculous since she'd be that age in just 3 years.
____________
Guide to a Great Heroes Game
"Stevie's spamfest gave Corribus PTSD." - Kipshasz

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markkur
markkur


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
posted May 29, 2016 01:25 AM

Not a joke but fits here I think. My Wife has a big black cat with golden eyes (she should have named him Bond) but we call him Bernie and he acts like most cats do. My Father always did the "Disney" bit for any animals we had and I've always done the same in the long years that have followed. The following is what I voice-acted for my wife one morning.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Dairy of; "The Black Panther"

daay won

stoal papper an pin four dis diree, neever do unsuspeckful mastirs sees my stellfy moovmints

daay too

tooday i praktict steering at hear face, sewing cunfusious in hear mined. Dis well be goodest i think for wen i take de howse for mysef. I am bery treeky

daay tree

i eet everthing in plat, i nead big stomack jus in caste for my taaking of dis howse. i preeten i am stravving an de bof beweeve me. my plan is purrfict!

daay foor

tooday is traaning daay, by boddie mush be tuff. for too owers i praktiss fast mooving frum dis room too dat room, thay laff, thay are dumm, thay habe no idee i am seecratlee da balck paanthur of...of...wheerever dis playce is and soon i am master an dey wheel be da wons lukking for watur

daay fiive

i quitt de plan, guud thing, i was tinking, iff i tack howse ober, wheer i git moor fuud? I nead too tink moor on dis.

Markkur, 2015

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