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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Tell a joke
Thread: Tell a joke This thread is 25 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 ... 21 22 23 24 25 · «PREV / NEXT»
master_learn
master_learn


Legendary Hero
walking to the library
posted April 30, 2013 05:15 PM

Idealist would say-I have an idea of a perfect woman.
Materialist would say-show me.
Mathematician-only give me the right angles and I would measure her legs in length,heith and weigth.

Idealist-I think they have a perfect shape.
Materialist-I am totally convinced.Should I get near them?
Mathematician-I can measure the safe distance from a woman.

Idealist-safe or not safe-that is the question!
Materialist-Where I could touch her?
Mathematician-I can measure how much time is sufficient to spend with her this evening.
____________
"They made a Heroes V? "-OhforfSake

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Damacon_Ace
Damacon_Ace


Famous Hero
Back after a long absence
posted May 04, 2013 05:11 AM

Moib fafafafenoiby faf wig mob faffe kish iji tes tef nob moib fafanoyveh gqui feirs wij fjie moik?

A Moib wsjir fraff feil sfioj toxie beril faffaffaffenoyby.
____________
Awk! Squeal! Bubble!
Squeak! Moo!

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DagothGares
DagothGares


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
HC SUPPORTER
posted May 05, 2013 03:03 AM

What's grey and when it falls out of a tree, your heater is broken?

Your heater!
____________
If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted June 23, 2013 11:22 PM

-What has 4 legs and an arm in it's mouth?
-A pitbull on a child's playground.
____________

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JoonasTo
JoonasTo


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
posted June 24, 2013 04:24 PM

In a certain town in Alabama there is a black man hanging from a tree. He has 7 buckshot wounds and 15 stabwounds. What does the local sheriff say when he arrives on the scene?

-"Must be the worst suicide I've ever seen."


In the same town a black man with 70 kilos of steel chain around him is found from the bottom of the harbour. The same local sheriff arrives on the scene:
"Tried to steal more than he could swim with."
____________

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted June 25, 2013 10:43 PM

Guy 1: -I don't like the feeling of this...
Guy 2: -Then get it out of your ass.
____________

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mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
HC SUPPORTER
posted June 27, 2013 12:32 AM

Where did the little boy go after the explosion?
Everywhere.
____________
Eccentric Opinion

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted July 05, 2013 11:38 AM

-What is the similarity between a Unicorn and your girlfriend?
-They're both imaginary.
____________

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Salamandre
Salamandre


Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Wog refugee
posted July 06, 2013 01:01 AM

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

****************

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three

************

   THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day the 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my intendeds' father hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.




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Celfious
Celfious


Responsible
Legendary Hero
on Foot.
HC SUPPORTER
posted July 06, 2013 02:21 AM

How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

...
...
.....


You Dont Know man!! You Werent There!!!!!

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mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
HC SUPPORTER
posted July 06, 2013 02:45 AM

After Quasimodo's death, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a new bellringer, so the bishop asked people to come and try out for the position. After a day of applicants, none had Quasimodo's skill, and the bishop was going to call it a day when an armless man came forward.
"How are you going to ring the bell without arms?" the bishop asked.
"Just watch," the armless man said, and struck the bell with his face. It produced a perfect tolling sound, but just as the man stepped back, he tripped and plummeted to the ground, dying on impact. When the people gathered around his dead body, they asked the bishop, "Who was this man?"
The bishop replied, "I don't know... but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the bishop decided to cancel applications to honor the dead bellringer, but was approached by another man, who told him, "I am the brother of the armless man who died here yesterday. I would be honored if you gave me a try at the bellringer position, in his memory." So the bishop led him to the bells, and the man struck them. Like his unfortunate brother, he stepped back, tripped, and fell to the ground, dead. Onlookers gathered again, and asked the bishop, "Another dead man? Who was it this time?"
The bishop replied, "I don't know... but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
____________
Eccentric Opinion

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fred79
fred79


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
big rubber dick
posted July 06, 2013 04:40 AM

Quote:
How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
...
...
.....
You Dont Know man!! You Werent There!!!!!



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Corribus
Corribus

Hero of Order
The Abyss Staring Back at You
posted July 06, 2013 07:11 AM
Edited by Corribus at 07:13, 06 Jul 2013.

Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on a leash.  Almost immediately, the monkey starts hopping around.  He goes to the bar, and he eats all the olives.  He eats all the cocktail onions in the place.  Then he hops on the billiard table and swallows the cue ball.

"Hey!" the bartender calls.  "Did you see what that monkey just did?  He ate my billiard ball!"

The monkey's owner shakes his head. "Ugh," he says.  "I'm so sorry.  My monkey just eats everything in sight.  I'm really sorry about that.  Here, let me make it up to you."  

So the man pays for his drink and all the stuff the monkey ate, and then he leaves the bar.

A week later, the man with the monkey returns.  As before, the monkey starts hopping around the tavern.  He goes to the bar, pulls a maraschino cherry out of a glass, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, then pops it in his mouth.  He runs to a table, grabs a peanut, sticks it up his butt, pulls it up, then pops it in his mouth.  He dashes over to another table, swipes a French fry, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, then shoves it in his mouth.

The bartender is disgusted.  "Did you see that?" he cries.

"What now?" the owner asks.

"Your monkey just shoved a French fry up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it!"

The owner shakes his head.  "Yeah, my monkey still eats everything in sight, but after he had to crap out your cue ball, he measures everything first now."
____________
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg

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fred79
fred79


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
big rubber dick
posted July 06, 2013 07:33 AM

@ corribus: lol, instant classic.

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted July 06, 2013 09:15 AM

So we all know that Kurt Cobain committed suicide by blowing off his head with a shotgun...



Q: Did You know that Kurt Cobain had really bad dandruff?
A: Yes, they found his 'Head and Shoulders' behind the couch.

Q: Why did Nirvana stop doing press conferences?
A: Because Kurt was always shooting his mouth off...

Q. What does a whale and Kurt Cobain have in common?
A. They both have holes in their heads

Q: How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?
A: With a dust buster.

Q: Why doesn't Kurt Cobain ever drive?
A: Cause he'd rather just ride shotgun.

Q: What color were Kurt Cobain's eyes?
A: Blue (one blew this way, one blew that way!)

Q: What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
A: The wall behind him!



I really love Nirvana, but these jokes just had to be told.
____________

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Damacon_Ace
Damacon_Ace


Famous Hero
Back after a long absence
posted July 06, 2013 12:33 PM

What do you get when you cross a sparrow with an elephant?

A lot of broken telegraph wires!
____________
Awk! Squeal! Bubble!
Squeak! Moo!

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted July 12, 2013 08:29 AM

A teenage girl is babysitting some kids. The kids were playing in their room upstairs while the babysitter was watching TV. At some point, she decided to check on the little guys and was surprised by a really ugly clown statue standing in the corner.
Later, the children's dad called and the babysitter complained about the clown statue creeping her out. The man suddenly got silent and after a few moments he said "Get the kids out of the house! We don't own a clown statue!"
____________

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted August 22, 2013 12:23 AM

Mario said:
What doesn't kill you makes you smaller.

____________

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mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
HC SUPPORTER
posted September 19, 2013 04:33 AM

This joke is exactly a week late, but -

When does a pentagon not have five sides?
When it's bisected by an airplane.
____________
Eccentric Opinion

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
Logically Illogical
posted September 20, 2013 08:33 AM

....

I wanted to tell you a Nirvana joke, but Nevermind...
____________

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