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Heroes Community > Other Side of the Monitor > Thread: What is Love?
Thread: What is Love? This Popular Thread is 220 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 40 80 120 160 200 ... 216 217 218 219 220 · «PREV / NEXT»
Stevie
Stevie


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posted March 14, 2016 08:05 PM
Edited by Stevie at 20:31, 14 Mar 2016.

That's funny, because I view myself as the type that gets attracted the most by an opposite. There's a higher chemistry that way. I don't exactly look into the mirror in the morning and wish everybody was like me so I had more game, not at all. That doesn't necessarily invalidate your point about how it would be for the best to be yourself, not that I particularly agree with that anyway. I feel it mostly depends on the context, what you want to obtain. Sometimes being yourself just won't cut it. It's also a question of how much of yourself you're willing to sacrifice to make something work.
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mvassilev
mvassilev


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posted March 14, 2016 08:33 PM

The main point can be summarized as "If you pretend to be someone you're not, you'll date people who don't really like you". So if you sacrifice parts of yourself to make something work, you're often setting yourself up for misery because you can't open up to the other person, which is vital for a good relationship, plus it's exhausting to maintain the charade.
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AlexSpl
AlexSpl


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Supreme Hero
posted March 14, 2016 09:21 PM

Love is local. I mean, it seems that the evolution doesn't care about a perfect fit. It's quite random how we choose who to love. Yet we have some internal mechanisms which allow us to narrow our search down, they vector us in the right direction. For example, we are much more prone to fall in love with the person who has a beautiful face or shape, or both. This somehow encoded in our DNA, so we actually are very biased creatures

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artu
artu


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
posted March 14, 2016 09:26 PM
Edited by artu at 21:26, 14 Mar 2016.

There is a vast difference between pretending to be someone you're not and to compromise or adjust. If it actually matters to you, a relationship is not just something that happens to you, it's also something that transforms you, mutually. For a relationship to matter, people don't have to be clones, agree about everything or have overwhelmingly similar tastes. Of course, almost all of the time, there is a solid common ground that enables two people to connect. It's not necessarily about resemblance though but rather correspondence.
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AlexSpl
AlexSpl


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Supreme Hero
posted March 14, 2016 09:35 PM

In my opinion, love has nothing common with things called 'relationship' and 'marriage'. Both are artificial. And it's natural when people completely lose their love to each other, while being married.

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artu
artu


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My BS sensor is tingling again
posted March 14, 2016 09:38 PM

Being officially married has nothing to do with what I say either, but a relationship and platonic love have very different dynamics.
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you guys are after some sort of systemized system - tsar

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fred79
fred79


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posted March 14, 2016 09:55 PM

mvassilev said:
(quote by someone else?)you're a once-a-month kind of guy


this guy doesn't exist. i mean, really. who tf would only want sex once a month? unless it was painful for them to have sex, maybe. and then, the only way i'd see a relationship working with a girl in that situation, is if the girl had been traumatized by rape or something else heinous enough to the point to cause them to never want to have sex anyway.

but if the girl wanted sex? she'd find a different dude to get the job done. the other guy would be just a hanger-on, at that point. an actual romantic relationship would fail to exist.

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mvassilev
mvassilev


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posted March 14, 2016 10:49 PM

Asexuality exists, and it's what it sounds like - asexuals aren't interested in sex at all. And yet some asexuals are still interested in romantic relationships, and for obvious reasons it works best when they date each other. If they're one end of the spectrum and hypersexual people are the other, there are also some people with little (but some) interest in sex.

Not believing in low sex drives is like not believing in bisexuality.
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AlexSpl
AlexSpl


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Supreme Hero
posted March 14, 2016 11:28 PM

Sex is the last thing you think of when in love.

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artu
artu


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
posted March 14, 2016 11:30 PM

Not really.
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you guys are after some sort of systemized system - tsar

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Corribus
Corribus

Hero of Order
The Abyss Staring Back at You
posted March 14, 2016 11:33 PM
Edited by Corribus at 23:37, 14 Mar 2016.

mvassilev said:
I don't endorse everything in that post, but this part is great.

Seems mostly like common sense to me. If you start lying before you even begin dating sometimes, it does seem to diminish your chances of long-term success. Not sure this is really ground breaking insight.

That said, there are certain things where compatibility is probably most important (e.g., spending habits). On the other hand, it's good and healthy to have some dissimilar interests and hobbies.

(If you want to get down to it, "attracted to opposites" and "attracted to sames" could also be considered a personal characteristic important toward finding a suitable companion.)


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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg

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AlexSpl
AlexSpl


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Supreme Hero
posted March 14, 2016 11:40 PM

Why do you stubbornly continue to connect random snow with pure love?

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fred79
fred79


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Undefeatable Hero
posted March 15, 2016 12:12 AM

mvassilev said:
Asexuality exists, and it's what it sounds like - asexuals aren't interested in sex at all. And yet some asexuals are still interested in romantic relationships, and for obvious reasons it works best when they date each other. If they're one end of the spectrum and hypersexual people are the other, there are also some people with little (but some) interest in sex.

Not believing in low sex drives is like not believing in bisexuality.


i was under the impression that asexual meant they'd have sex with anything. don't think i ever looked up the definition, lol.

i guess i never believed there was people out there that didn't care for sex. the concept is completely alien to me, with the exception of people who have been sexually traumatized. i still think that even mother teresa liked getting her rocks off.

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AlexSpl
AlexSpl


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Supreme Hero
posted March 15, 2016 12:39 AM

Quote:
i was under the impression that asexual meant they'd have sex with anything.

https://msu.edu/~defores1/gre/roots/gre_rts_afx_tab1.htm

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fred79
fred79


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Undefeatable Hero
posted March 15, 2016 04:54 AM

AlexSpl said:
https://msu.edu/~defores1/gre/roots/gre_rts_afx_tab1.htm


thanks for the lesson, professor. but can't i just snow my way to a diploma? that's what i did in grade school...

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Doomforge
Doomforge


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Retired Hero
posted March 15, 2016 09:12 AM

mvassilev said:
Some people say that "be yourself" is bad dating advice. A good response


I fully agree. In the long run, chemistry doesn't matter. Yes, it's important not to be repulsed by your partner, and attraction matters. but "butterflies" WILL fly away. that's how our brain works: anywhere between 0.5 and 3 years passes and you're no longer lovestruck. You can still love your partner, but in a more mature way. It makes it way better if you actually have things in common at that point: hobbies, life priorities, and such. Otherwise, you may end up with a person that bores you and wants different things in life than you, which usually ends up with a failed relationship.
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artu
artu


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
posted March 15, 2016 11:13 AM
Edited by artu at 11:19, 15 Mar 2016.

DF, I'm not saying "be yourself" is bad dating advice, mainly, I'm a "be yourself" guy, too. (Although, I dont think anybody will uncover their most inner self on a first date, there are layers of oneself.) But what does dating advice has to do with 0.5 to 3 years? People usually dont date to get married the next night, you know. If a relationship made it a year, I would no longer call it dating, I would call them a couple. And there really might be some situations in which being too straight forward about your flaws on a first or second date can be a mistake. Since, I'm not pragmatic in personal relationships, there used to be a lot of times, I went ahead and made those mistakes anyway. For instance, I was a heavy drinker in my 20's and I never felt the need to hide it away. I wouldnt consider my behavior good dating advice, though.

Basically, we all have cons and pros and some cons may appear as bigger turn offs, if the person hasnt got to see the pros yet. So, timing can indeed matter.
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you guys are after some sort of systemized system - tsar

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Doomforge
Doomforge


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posted March 15, 2016 05:35 PM

Well, there is a difference between shoving your flaws in somebody's face and pretending you're a different person than you are

Basically, you should present yourself from the best side, but that side has to be true. If it's a big fat lie, you're wasting your (and your date's) time.
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The_Green_Drag
The_Green_Drag


Supreme Hero
posted June 18, 2016 06:08 PM
Edited by The_Green_Drag at 19:36, 18 Jun 2016.

I recently got out of a relationship - if you want to call it that, idk what to call it - and its been taking it toll pretty harshly thanks to her. I've been spending the last two weeks stressing and regretting, feeling sad and angry. I hardly sleep and barely eat. Idk why or how I ended up getting so involved but I did. The whole thing was handled really poorly on her part and I'm realizing that but everytime Im alone I end of thinking about it and putting myself down. I've talked to almost everyone i can about it and its still driving me up the wall. So now im posting my problems here for some kind of advice, sympathy, or just straight talk. Tell me if im acting like a little girl here.

I'll try to summarize everything that went down. I'm trying to look at my faults too and not be bias so if i sound like i am please say so. We had been talking since the beginning of March, everyday nearly all day. We both worked at a Dog kennel/Daycare and that is where we met. btw I haven't had many relationships and none of them have been long term. She has had one and it lasted four years and ended with the other guy cheating on her and getting another girl pregnant. Even worse, her father passed away a few months after and she left work for a while (all this happened before we started talking).


March
First week of March is here and the first time we really talked for the first time was when she came back and I had to train her in Daycare. She told me about her Ex, how bad it hurt, and how shes only gonna talk to 'nice guys' now and that she is down with the 'F*** boys'. I thought well sweet, that's me! Maybe she'll see that too, and she did (or maybe I thought she did) and we hit it off. She had given me her number for something before her father passed,but I had never used it for anything. So the next day she went home like as soon as she got to work because she was distraught, and so I texted her on my break just to see if she is okay. Not even to flirt or anything. At this point I wasn't trying to do anything with this girl, she was in a fragile state because of what happened to her and Im not one to take advantage of people. I don't objectify women either, I try my best to treat them with respect. But then we started talking everyday after that and its because she was also starting the conversations. So it wasn't me chasing this girl. She actually seemed to like me. But I did start liking her back.

Now the talking was always going great, we snapchatted back and fourth all day everyday. It wasn't until I begun trying to see her outside of work that the confusion and doubts started. One thing we had in common: we both prefer to smoke weed than drink. So I asked her to come over one night so we could chill and watch something on Netflix, she agreed. Then the night comes and I text her to give the greenlight to come over. An hour later she tells me her friend called her and that her car got f***ed so she is gonna go help her....and she isn't helping her fix anything but rather sitting there waiting for a repair guy. (assuming she was telling the truth) Eventually it gets late and I call it off. I didn't know what to think really, I asked her if she was just uncomfortable about something which she replied no. She kept apologizing and saying it wasn't suppose to take this long. I thought whatever stuff happens, right?

So last week of march is here and we are still talking everyday. I asked her out on an actually date this time and she took four hours to send 2 messages which finally ended in a yes. Was gonna do a simple dinner and movie and we were gonna smoke before hand. But then we didnt smoke or see a movie because she needed to pick her sister up from somewhere, so we just went to dinner. It was kinda fun, kinda weird. She answered a phone call and shushed me which was a slap in the face. So I thought I bombed it honestly, especially when I said 'lets do this again sometime' at the end and she didnt say anything but 'bye'. But sure enough I get a snapchat late at night saying she had a good time...

April
At this point I kinda liked this girl, she does some strange things and their sometimes rude but with all the loss she just went through at only 20, I felt so bad that I wasnt gonna bring anything up to make her feel bad. Talking is still going great but I couldn't really tell if she was friend zoning me. My buddy at work who was her friend too did some investigating and apparently she did want me to ask her out again so i did. We planned out another date and soon enough the day came. Still been talking everyday all day and I started that day's convo and texted her saying "im looking forward to tonight :-)".
Didnt get a response till about 4 hours later saying she isnt feeling very well. Being all apologetic again saying "im so sorry I'll make this up to you I swear". Long story short we did not go out that night and she wasnt texting much either. Next day we work and she is 100% healthy and perky and acting like nothing happened. I confronted her about it and politely asked what happened because she is kinda acting like she doesn't care. She went on about how she was feeling really sick and that she really does care. Apparently she has had a crush on me since we talked in the play yards the first time (maybe). That made me really happy because I did like her and finding out she's liked me for a while was great to hear.

However the rest of April was spent just talking. I tried to make plans multiple times, once a week actually, just trying to make this second date happen. She never said no, and yet we never went out. One excuse after the other. If its cause she wasnt feeling well then it was visiting her cousin for like the fifth time at the hospital one night till midnight apparently, or she got lice one weekend...Random stuff and I didnt know what to think. I started getting a little mouthy over the texts on days whenever Id start getting the impression the date was once again not going to happen. This is right around the time I started thinking too much and getting too involved I think. Obviously something was up but I didnt trust my gut. I would try asking her about it and she would blame it on the loss of her dad and her ex cheating on her. She would say her guard is up. I'm just trying not to offend her but its not making any sense to me. So i kinda stay silent and keep doing my thing.

May
Still talking all the time, still sending snapchats. She'll send me a pic of her and be wearing a low cut shirt showing off the goods. But all of May we did not go out. She hasn't made a single attempt to ask me to do anything. But she parades around work like we're a couple and we go to lunch all the time. My head was so mixed at this point. She's told me a bunch that i'm cute and she likes me but we still haven't gone on a second date....

First week of May my friend at work looks on her instagram ( i dont have one) to see a selfie of her in a truck. A comment below reads "my two favorite things, my girl and my truck <3" from some guy. She was weird about the whole thing when I asked her about it but she wrote it off as one of her best friends since 8th grade who has had a big crush on her but she doesnt feel the same way back. This totally happened at the end of April now that I think about it but whatever. That was the first like really sketchy thing that happened. I was so lost at this point and wanting things to work out that I think I was being very gullible and blind of what was in front of me. My friend at work who showed me the picture ended up asking her about it too, and she told him that she is willing to stop talking to the guy who commented that if she was to get into a serious relationship. Even though this guy is supposedly one of her best friends since 8th grade and she doesnt like him like that...doesnt make sense to me. Looking back I should have seen this as a sign: she will knowingly lead guys on into thinking she liked them. Who is a kind of person I try my best to avoid.

The week of hell as i like to call it. I had gotten over the thing above and she started talking a lot more to me. She even made the first attempt to do something with me. The next day we kiss for the first time and things went downhill from there. She didnt want me to kiss her...Even though she was telling my co-workers she did want me to, they came up and told me that. We were still talking everyday just less texts and a lot less snapchatting. Eventually the snapchat thing stopped. She stopped replying to them and would send me a text instead. [For those unfamiliar, snap chat will keep track of who you talk to, and if two people talk to each other more than anyone else, they become 'best friends' and you get a little yellow heart by their name. If it stays that way for two weeks, meaning neither party is sending much to anyone else, the little heart becomes a red one. We got our red heart back in April at some point]. But it came to a halt and so naturally I woke up to find the heart is gone. I overreacted about this, we were still texting but it really hurt me for some reason. I liked looking at the heart as a reminder she's mine right now. Snapchat was how we started communicating after all. She got offending when I asked who the new bestfriend was and she claimed it was one of her girlfriends. I apologized about the whole thing, told her how it meant to me and admitted to over reacting. I sent her a long page about how I really like her. No reply almost all day and finally responded with a simple 'that meant a lot'. Things kept going down hill no matter what i did.

The talking isnt what it used to be and how could it? I asked her on a second date over a month ago and have seen since. Still havent gone out. I must have asked her two or three times by now if she still liked me, if she was over me, if she just wants to be friends and she kept insisting i was being silly. The only thing we do is text, hang out at work, and go on our 2 hour lunch breaks together. At this point I have explained to her how much it bothers me we dont do anything. she acts so sketchy when I try and make plans. She always uses the death of her father and her ex cheating on her as leverage to make me feel bad for asking. And it worked. Meanwhile she had been slowly looking for another job as we were getting in trouble at work and she doesnt get paid much as much and its a far drive for her. I had known this was gonna happen, that wasnt the point.

June
Still no second date. We had our first one at the end of March and she still hasn't said no to me asking her out. The talking everyday streak has continued but its not the same. According to her everything is fine and I dont want to keep asking her about us because I can tel it is starting to annoy her. I end up thinking too hard and coming up with all sorts of stuff. feels like she ignores me most of the day but if i ask she says 'we talk all time what do you mean?' Eventually she got another job as a waitress and had a blowout argument with a manager so she quit the dog kennel. I had a feeling things were over a week before this so now I was sure. It felt horrible, especially because I knew I just wasnt gonna see her again and eventually get a text saying its over (or so I thought). But no she insists nothing is over and agrees with me that we will start actually going out. She tells me she will hit me up when she gets out of work early, she got out early but didnt hit me up...I texted her the next day saying are you just trying to be friend? but no its not me its her and im being silly.

I try and make plans for saturday. saturday afternoon comes around and still no anwser so i call her twice and send some texts wondering wtf is going on. apparently she got called into work and got furious at me for blowing her phone up. She was saying 'im not doing this today' and i got pissed because she was blowing me off on another date again!!! I said I dont deserve this and she supposedly got really disrespected and ended things right then. She later gave me a story about how she did send me a response and i apparently just didnt get it. And yet no amount of apologies can make up for over reacting about a vital text that just somehow didnt send. Im feeling like crap at this point, really sad thinking about how did I let this happen, what could I have done better, how can I make it up. It was pathetic. Physically exhausted myself stressing about everything. She was hardly responding and was refusing to talk on the phone, something she kinda always did. Clearly she wasnt putting any effort into getting back together, just like she never put any effort into the relationship. But she was sending me subtle hints like she missed me or something. Which really only made things worse on my end because it further confused me. I obsessed over her for a while and thats why its taking such a harsh toll on me. We really had a great time when we were together. I could tell she genuinely wanted to be with me at some point but it wasnt as long a moment as i thought.

Sadly she was not giving me the answers I was looking for. Literally just wanting closure if nothing else. She wasn't telling me why she was mad or why things were ending. A newer co-worker had apparently been asking about me to her about a week before she quit, asking things like 'are yall dating?, do you like him? are you leading him on?' Her answers were not really, kinda, and sorta....Just found that out the other day. It definitely hurt really bad knowing she just didnt like me anymore. It was worse knowing she lied to my face multiple times in the end about wanting to continue seeing each other. I wasnt sure about even asking her about it but then i decided I wanted her to know how much it hurt. I opened up to her, I bought her things, I tried to go out, and she just blew me off and lead me on the whole time. I feel unwanted, cheated, and depressed....I got way too invested in a girl that turned out to be a huge snow. I put too much faith into her and went against my gut and I shouldn't have. I thought there was no way a girl that just went through so much loss would be so heartless. But i was wrong. She could have done so many things better like being honest with me or letting me down slowly when I told her how I feel if she didnt feel the same back. unstead she waited till she wont have to see me at work, and then still kept stringing me on.


If anyone actually reads this far OMG CONGRATS! and thank you I'll deeply appreciate any comments. I dont play the dating game unless i come across someone i think is special so I don't have much experience with relationships. Just wrting all this down I think has helped. I havent gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in a while so I'm hoping the healing process can finally start.

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mvassilev
mvassilev


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HC SUPPORTER
posted June 18, 2016 07:31 PM

Quote:
She told me about her Ex, how bad it hurt, and how shes only gonna talk to 'nice guys' now and that she is down with the 'F*** boys'.
This should've been a red flag. Who one chooses to date is a reflection of what kind of person one is, so if someone is dating terrible people, chances are they're not that great themselves. (Obviously this is just a rule of thumb and not absolute.) Even if they say they're going to change their dating strategy, talk is cheap - it's like someone who makes a New Year's resolution to eat healthy and exercise, they'll probably stop going to the gym in less than a month.

As for the rest, it sounds like she enjoyed your attention but didn't want to pursue anything more, so she strung you along. You're probably better off without her. I recommend going for someone more reliable next time.
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