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Heroes Community > Other Side of the Monitor > Thread: What is Love?
Thread: What is Love? This Popular Thread is 220 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 40 80 120 160 200 ... 216 217 218 219 220 · «PREV
Galaad
Galaad

Hero of Order
Li mort as morz, li vif as vis
posted July 27, 2017 03:30 PM

The_Green_Drag said:
And yet she ends things cause I apparently have so much anxiety. Because of one bad lake trip.


That is really weird IMO, there must be something else into it and she most likely used that as a pretext. I know some people can be strange but ending a whole relationship on one bad event doesn't make sense.
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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted July 27, 2017 06:11 PM

What Galaad said.  I guess she didn't want to hurt you, but had to find a way to end the relationship.  
Truth be told, I, myself, wanted to end my relationship just before the end of my school year because it would turn into a long distance one and I wanted to avoid that.  All sorts of ideas ran through my head at the time, all sorts of scenarios, and I was just waiting for her to do something out of order, just one tiny, little mishap in our relationship so that I could have a foundation to work upon.  However, I couldn't do it in the end, I just didn't want to break up with her because I loved her (and still do).
What I wanted to acomplish by telling you about me is that it is very possible that what Galaad said could be very true.  Still, what's done is done, if you still have feelings for her, I would recommend not following your gut because it will surely hurt you in the end.  In the meantime I suggest that you begin dating again to kind of fill the emptiness until you can manage on your own again, provided that you need it in the first place.
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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted September 26, 2017 12:39 AM

JESUS EFFIN CHRIST

Here I go.  If you're not in the mood for reading yet another sad story, then proceed to skip this post.




December 29th, friend's birthday in a local club.  I'm sitting at the bar, drinking beer, enjoying a good rock and metal playlist the two of us created for the occasion.  Three more people come and grab a seat near me, one of them being a girl.  I strike up a conversation with her, learn that she's into good music, we continue talking about it.  At the end of the party we exchange phone numbers.
Awesome.

New Year's eve.  We gather at a friend's apartment.  Top floor.  And BBQ on the rooftop baby!  Lots of drinking, mainly vodka.  Everything's going awesome.  
Midnight.  We celebrate and text and/or call people to wish them a happy New Year.  I send a message to this girl, too, with a joke/comment on how I'm drowning in pop/folk music at the party.  She replies and invites me to come and celebrate with her and others where they have whiskey, and listen to SOAD and Nirvana.  It just goes on really smoothly from there and we spend the night texting.
Awesome.

Next morning I wake up and get a message from her, continuing the conversation.  Seems good to me, so I text back.  And we spend the next two days texting.  
Awesome.

So after two days of texting I ask her to hang out.  She says yes, and we meet up.  Had an interesting first date, very fancy, might I add jokingly.  We spend the date outside, y'know, just walking 'round the town, talking about this and that.  We decide to find a place to chill and so we do.  We listen to music, sit by each other and have a great time.  I decide not to make a move just yet, as I'm still trying to figure out whether she's interested in a relationship, or just a friendship.  The second date gives me the required answer, and we kiss at the end.
Awesome.

Imagine six months of a relationship without a single fight, without jealousy, without any paranoia, without anything bad in it.  Welcome to the first half of this year.
Ok, now imagine the end of my senior year in high school.  As I might have said already, I spend the summer vacations back home, in my small village; away from the place where my high school was, now also the place where my girlfriend was.  We went out the night before I departed, and I decided that I would want to keep the relationship going, even though the chances of us seeing each other before I come back in late August were very, very, very slim.  That means nearly two months of being away.  In the meantime, she ended up going on a holiday out of country for a week (which turned out to be two weeks actually, because... why the hell not?;  I naturally freaked out when she didn't text me, but was relieved when she finally did).  It was all going fine, up until two days before her birthday.  She just stopped texting.  I apologized for not being able to come to the party, but that wasn't it.  Eventually, I sent her another message, asking what's up and whether she'd like me to stop bothering her, and she finally replied that she didn't want to text me because she was dealing with her feelings for me, and was trying to figure out what to do because the distance had gotten to her.  I tried to comfort her, telling her that I'd finally be coming in a few days, and that I still loved her, no matter what.  She replied that she really wanted us to... talk.  Uh-oh!  So we went out the same day I arrived back here.  She felt distant to me.  I was really, really confused, and I was really trying my best not to bring up the "talk" she mentioned, but when she asked me how I felt about the whole distance thing, the only thing that I could think of is that she was getting ready to ask me to break up the relationship.
But I knew she's indecisive, and that I'd have to be the one to do it, so I did.  All because I thought that's what she wanted.  I went on to give her reasons why it'd be best to end it there (actually the only reason is that I'd have to go to Uni in a different city, and that would mean that we'd see each other every two/three weeks).  What I was doing was subconsciously trying to make myself believe that was the right thing.  I took her home, we agreed to stay in contact, and I ended it that night.  August 27th.  **** that day.
She texted me at 4 AM.  Said she just wanted to let me know she still loved me.  I was really baffled by the message, and replied that I loved her, too, but that I didn't understand why she had to tell me that ((Later I've realized that it was a call to save what could've been saved)).

After that we went out a few times, she looked so sad and unhappy, but I kept saying to myself that this was still the best option we had.  But I could only keep lying to myself for so long.  After she decided to just flat out disappear while I was walking home with her and a friend, I knew I had to have another talk with her.  And so I did.  We talked, she told me how ****ed up she was the first ten or so days after the breakup.  It was then when guilt had caught me by the throat, when I just couldn't say anything.  I had to do something, as I just couldn't bear to watch her feel so down.  I asked her some very important questions, the two most important being whether she still loves me, and whether she'd like to get back together.  The former she was positive about, the latter, well, she said she needed some time to think about it.  I gave her time.  She asked me if I'd like to go out again, to talk about it more.  I took it as a sign that she's really considering it.  I felt like things are starting to look up again.  After another "date" we had, I asked her again, and she replied with a question that I still think about: "Would you wait a few more days if you knew the answer was 'yes'?", and I immediately answered "Of course, that's a thing worth waiting".  I wasn't entirely sure why she'd want to stall a bit more, but I just brushed it off as a test of faith to say it bluntly.  Every bit of myself was waiting for the next "date" just to hear the final answer I've been waiting for.  After waiting for five days because I got hit by a cold, I finally went out with her.  I felt incredible that night, so happy, so optimistic.  I believed her answer was "yes", I didn't even ask her until we decided to call it a day...

But she said "I can't."  We hugged and said goodbye.  My whole world crumbled again, but this time I knew there was no "trying again", because this was "trying again", and I failed.  That night I couldn't get a moment of sleep.  Ended up sending her a long text in the early morning hours ((oh, the irony!!)) about everything I felt, and about how I felt it was my fault that I let her down in the first place, and that I deserved everything that she went through when I broke up with her.  She insisted that it wasn't my fault, and that she'd understand if I hated her now, but I just can't hate her.  And, thus, I end up here.  It's been, five days now.  I'm still trying to cope with it, but it's hard.  Not because I don't have a girlfriend now, but because I feel that I've broken her heart.  Truth be told, I don't know what I could've done better except not bring up the whole breakup idea back then.  




There, I said it.  That's what's been bothering me, eating me up inside.  I'll hazard a guess I left out a lot of details that could potentially be crucial to the story, but my mind's not in the best shape lately, so, please, take it into consideration.  
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tSar-Ivor
tSar-Ivor


Legendary Hero
Live today for we die tomorrow
posted September 26, 2017 06:51 PM
Edited by tSar-Ivor at 18:57, 26 Sep 2017.

If it makes u feel any better nothing like a hard day's work being rewarded by seeing an angel with golden eyes, silver-gold hair and a heart of solid gold. I'm telling you all you have to do is look into a person's eye and you'll get everything there is to know, quit with the whole "she likes good music" stuff, if you want chemistry learn to trust that gut of yours which some sadistic god planted into us.

The whole relationship off the back of a random flick of interest just doesn't sit well with the solid Hungarian ethics I've been bred with.

Only sayin that cause when you're unhappy just let my manly rays vibe through you.

For me the problem has always been the agony of choice, I could've "settled" for a girlfriend and learned to love them, but my body simply goes fu right back at me and my heart keeps me on the straight and narrow. Not that it spared anyone any pain mind you, probably cause as much suffering as if I dated and then broke up. That and I pretty much accepted my nature and worked around it, I'll let my hand deal with my unruly prick and my heart deal with the ladies. I'm a right Jew when it comes to things like this, when I have something I always look for something better, be it a girlfriend/job/or anything really. So I never wanted to 'settle' for anyone, not fair on them or me, at the same time the real ladies that I would honestly die for (subjective observation of beauty not objective) are just that, frigging angels here to tease.
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"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness" Jenny.

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted September 26, 2017 09:47 PM

The same music taste was the thing that started it all.  After that we connected more and more on various different topics and our general attitude towards all things big and small.  As I said, we had a "nearly" perfect relationship all the way up to the point when I went away for the Summer ("nearly" because nothing is truly, objectively perfect).  

As for settling down - well, I wasn't planing that just yet.  She definitely has all the qualities I'd want in a person whom I'd spend my days with;  but she her flaws are also all the things I don't mind and don't find unacceptable, except, I guess her indecisiveness and insecurity.

Also, I learned today from a trusted source that she started smoking approximately right after our breakup.  Makes me feel even more guilty and responsible.
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tSar-Ivor
tSar-Ivor


Legendary Hero
Live today for we die tomorrow
posted September 26, 2017 10:06 PM

Wait I thought smoking was like a second nature for you guys, I don't think I've met a Romanian or Serb that didn't smoke (mostly people I work with, but also included in that are the 2 Romanians I'm living with, and one Slovak).
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"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness" Jenny.

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Minion
Minion


Legendary Hero
posted September 26, 2017 10:15 PM

Ok first of all, how far do you actually live? Because I can't understand why it was impossible for her to visit you in your town or you to visit her there during a period of 2 months, if you truly were serious about each other?

What it boils down to is insecurities... Both of you seem to have them. When you felt that things could possible go wrong you partially shut down, like bracing for impact. Wanted to be the one to initiate it if it was gonna happen. It is a solid defense mechanism I get it, but that makes you emotionally unavailable to her which speeds feelings of insecurity for her. What also hints to this is that you must ask her often if she loves you - that is insecure talk. In a relationship you should be more focused on the happiness of both of you, and when someone is depressed or sad the first thing can't possibly be "do you still love me" but more a concern of how she is feeling and going through.

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Blizzardboy
Blizzardboy


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Elvin's Lightside
posted September 26, 2017 11:07 PM
Edited by Blizzardboy at 23:29, 26 Sep 2017.

I think you did your best NoobX.

I hope you've already started to feel a little better. Focus on doing something that you enjoy and don't be merciless on yourself, or ruminate on hundreds of "what if" scenarios. If you havent done it already (you've already kind of done it here) reflecting on important experiences in a journal is personally very helpful for me. It might be for you. The simple fact that you tried should be a huge consolation. A lot of people don't.

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted September 27, 2017 01:05 PM

Quote:
Ok first of all, how far do you actually live? Because I can't understand why it was impossible for her to visit you in your town or you to visit her there during a period of 2 months, if you truly were serious about each other?

Far enough that I can't afford to visit more than once a month.  The one time I actually visited during summer was when she was on a Holiday with her family.  She was supposed to come to my place right after that, but the idea was scrapped when her parents decided to extend it for another week, and then get divorced when they returned.  Yikes...  Well, that's July; and August was when I returned.  

Quote:
What it boils down to is insecurities... Both of you seem to have them. When you felt that things could possible go wrong you partially shut down, like bracing for impact. Wanted to be the one to initiate it if it was gonna happen. It is a solid defense mechanism I get it, but that makes you emotionally unavailable to her which speeds feelings of insecurity for her. What also hints to this is that you must ask her often if she loves you - that is insecure talk. In a relationship you should be more focused on the happiness of both of you, and when someone is depressed or sad the first thing can't possibly be "do you still love me" but more a concern of how she is feeling and going through.


Never did I ever have a need to ask her if she loved me.  I asked her that only when I thought of getting back together with her, to know if I should even try.  I wasn't sure she'd want to do it, but I was sure that she wouldn't if she had no feelings for me anymore.  That's why I asked.  I thought that getting back together would fix everything, but in the end she didn't want to, so now I'm left confused.


@Blizz, thanks, man.  It's not as bad as it was the first day, that much is true.  I've been trying to occupy myself in various ways, mainly by focusing on chess.  Feels good to revisit it again, to try and better myself at making important decisions.  The progrese is slow, but it's there at least.



Now I'm thinking of asking her out again.  I need to talk with her and see for myself how she's coping with all of this.  I must make sure that she's fine;  I owe her that much for all the good times she'd blessed me with.
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Minion
Minion


Legendary Hero
posted September 27, 2017 01:14 PM

Daum it must suck if travelling is that expensive...

Anyway my friend is dealing with a similar situation - he was actually just going to her place to pick up stuff as they had agreed that they would not be together anymore. After six months of being together or so. And last 3 weeks were awful for both. But they started talking once he went to her place and now they have been back together for a week. Anything is possible


Don't know if it will last as last time she was sure they wouldn't get back together but oh well, you gotta try

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted September 27, 2017 01:30 PM

Yeah, well, eastern parts of Serbia are not exactly prospering, and thus the transportation isn't great, too.  

Hey, good for him, hope they continue their journey without any bumps on the road
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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted October 01, 2017 11:13 PM

Just going to say that I am currently the happiest person alive.  We made it.
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Minion
Minion


Legendary Hero
posted October 01, 2017 11:44 PM

So what happened?
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Our consciousness should be global, our footprint local.

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
~Knowledge is power~
posted October 02, 2017 12:01 AM

We talked, a lot, and figured out that this whole breakup thing was a huge mistake.  And we got back together.  She's finally happy again, and that makes me happy too.  Let's hope we both learn from this to be better partners in the future.
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Minion
Minion


Legendary Hero
posted October 02, 2017 12:11 AM

You know being apart awhile might even make you stronger as a couple, because now you have actually dealt with a difficult situation. But don't get too complacent, because relationships are hard work Another problem is coming sooner or later, just don't give up when it does.

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