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Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
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posted August 22, 2013 05:24 AM |
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Edited by Azagal at 05:27, 22 Aug 2013.
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Carcity said:
If you're looking for a relationship, I've found the key to finding one is to not look for it. Spend the time improving yourself, and someone showing interest will appear eventually. Don't get frustrated if they don't, cause unlike if you're chasing after people, if you do it this way, you'll atleast have become a better person in the process.
Yeah no offense, but that is stuff you read in a lonely women magazine. If you want to be in a relationship with someone the only way to be sure to get anywhere is to actually take the initiative and be the driving force in this search.
This "someone will show up eventually" stuff is not impossible but leaving something you WANT up to fate is as defeatist and lazy as it gets.
I don't understand why you claim that one can't improve as a person while "chasing" after people. One should always strive to be a better gamer person, regardless whether you're pursuing someone or not. Focusing on being the person you want to be is necessary regardless of what you're looking for in life, **** if you don't like yourself, why should anyone else do? Let alone want to be in a relationship with you! It will give you confidence and besides being a wonderful feeling it drops panties harder than money and alcohol or anything else really (unless you're Sean Connery, nothing drops panties harder than Sean fcuking Connery) . Regardless of gender!
I understand that in the early stages of ones life one has a very limited pool of people to choose from (read highschool) and highschool puts you through all kinds of snow but many of you are young men now or atleast about to be. It changes the landscape dramatically. Not because you change fundamentally but because your environment does. College has all kinds of people ergo plenty of potential partners. You can literally hang out with whoever the fcuk you want.
I don't like to think of this whole relationship business as a "chase" as you put it, since it implies that you're hunting something that is actively trying to get away from you. And if that is how the women you are after feel about you, well I suggest an approach that doesn't land you with an restraining order.
I prefer to see it as a dance, you can't really dance by yourself so you need to find a partner that wants to dance too. Some people might not want too, which is perfectly fine, noone has to dance with you, just move on and find someone else, a few might need some convincing since they're either shy or just like to be wooed, others might not want to cause they can tell you're not an expert dancer yet, etc. etc. but there are plenty of people who'll want to dance.
It might seem like a cheesy variation but ones mentality in how one approaches this endeavor can make quite a difference, at least in my experience.
Just put yourself out there. If you're not a outgoing person it's not easy, especially not early and it wouldn't seem as if it'd not get easier especially if you get turned down a couple of times but it gets so much easier once you understand that getting turned down doesn't make you less of a man/woman! Far from it! Who cares if it turns out that person X isn't into you after talking to him/her, at least you found out that is more than 90% of the room can say who just looks and wonders.
It might (might!!) not lead to success immediately but unlike your approach City it most certainly will get you somewhere eventually!
I understand that it might be frustrating to not have some one in your life and getting shut down by someone you've been after for a while. It's okay to be bummed out and sad if things don't work but for the love of god, don't dwell on it and wallow in self pity. Gets you nowhere and not helping with the confidence and again confidence directly scales with the drop rate of pantys.
Be brave and just put yourself out there. That is what will get you somewhere, not saying I'm done with the world, come at me ladies and gentlemen when you're ready to be loved like never before.
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"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted August 22, 2013 05:33 AM |
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I think he means don't become obsessed about it, if you do, it will backfire. He does not mean stop taking the initiative even if opportunity comes knocking.
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted August 22, 2013 05:33 AM |
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You don't need to put yourself "out there". Sure, you shouldn't be a friendless social recluse, but that's true regardless of whether you want a relationship or not.
The main point is, get to know them before asking them out, and make sure they know you too. (This is the central point of the mistakenly maligned pillar theory.) Don't approach people you don't know well with romantic intentions - you may think they look nice, but you don't know enough about what they're actually like as people. Imagine some girl who's not your friend (perhaps she's an acquaintance or a stranger) approaches you and says, "Let's go on a date", making her romantic intentions clear. How do you respond? I suggest one of the following, depending on the situation: "I don't know you well enough for that, sorry" or "I'm not romantically interested in you, because I don't know you well enough yet. If you want to hang out with me as friends, I'm up for that."
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Eccentric Opinion
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Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
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posted August 22, 2013 05:49 AM |
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Edited by Azagal at 05:50, 22 Aug 2013.
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lol wat?
Quote:
I suggest one of the following, depending on the situation: "I don't know you well enough for that, sorry" or "I'm not romantically interested in you, because I don't know you well enough yet. If you want to hang out with me as friends, I'm up for that."
like wtf?
Maybe we understand the word "dating" differently but to me it means getting some 1 on 1 time a person in order to find out if you could see yourself with that person.
I'm not saying he should go up to complete strangers that he finds attractive and be all "yeah you and me baby" when I say he should put himself out there I'm saying he needs to get to know people. And approach people. Not in a "I WANT TO SLEEEEEEEEEEEP WITH YOUUU" but if he's looking for a relationship he needs to find people he finds interesting/appealing so he can choose. You won't find people unless you look for them.
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"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted August 22, 2013 06:37 AM |
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Dating has romantic expectations, which you shouldn't have if you don't know if you're compatible with the person. It also has the expectation of at least slight physical intimacy. Does either of those with someone whom you don't know well sound appealing? Really?
Of course he should get to know people, but he shouldn't specifically be looking for people to date. He should look for friends, perhaps, but even saying that doesn't give the right impression. It's not like he should be sticking his head out, actively looking for friends. It's more about seizing existing opportunities. If you have a chance to hang out with someone who seems interesting, take the opportunity. If you think someone interesting would be amenable to hanging out with you, that's a good opportunity as well. After doing this enough, he'll have friends and spending time with them will be easier, and as he gets to know his female friends, he may develop a romantic interest in one or more of them, and hopefully that interest will be reciprocated.
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Eccentric Opinion
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted August 22, 2013 09:36 AM |
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mvass said:
Dating has romantic expectations, which you shouldn't have if you don't know if you're compatible with the person. It also has the expectation of at least slight physical intimacy. Does either of those with someone whom you don't know well sound appealing? Really?
Romantic expectations is a very wide spectrum (or a very vague definition). There's a lot of variety between "what was your name again, nevermind let's do it again" and "they lived happily ever after."
You can expect and have physical intimacy with a person you don't get along with very well in other areas, it happens. You can also be deeply in love. The important thing to remember is, it's not like there are two types of people out there, ones who go for plain sexual intercourse and ones who seek Romeo & Juliet. Same person can seek for both in different stages of his/her life. If you're in a serious, meaningful relationship, that's the best, if you're not, that does not mean you're selling your soul or something just because you spend your time with less serious things. Since you love to use food as metaphor all the time, let me explain it this way: If you see me eating a sandwich, you won't ask me why do I prefer it to a perfect dinner in a five star restaurant, will you? Both have their times in our life. Some people meet on speed-dating and afterwards it leads to much deeper things, there's no universal rule that says you should be close friends first.
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Carcity
Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
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posted August 22, 2013 11:10 AM |
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I phrased it poorly, but yeah, what Artu said. From my experience (Not that I have a lot of it, mind you, but I have some), after I stopped actively searching for a relationship, opportunities for one appeared. Not saying to just give up on it completely, but just being relaxed and taking things as they come ended up working out for me.
____________
Why can't you save anybody?
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meroe
Supreme Hero
Basically Smurfette
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posted August 22, 2013 12:59 PM |
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Take it from me (female perspective). There is nothing more creepy or off-putting, than a desperate, needy male. It is guaranteed to get girls running away in all directions.
And us females know when you guys are trying to hard, you're not the best actors.
The more successful males are the ones who have perfected the 'air of nonchalance', or friendly indifference. Yes I joked earlier, but seriously unless you are some kind of heart-throb (for want of a better description) who is guaranteed to have panties whisked off at a moments notice - you will need to play just a little hard to get. Even us girlies like a little bit of chase now and then.
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Meroe is definetely out, sweet
as she sounds sometimes, she'd
definetely castrate you with a
rusted razror and forcefeed
your genitals to you in a
blink of an eye - Kipshasz
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Drakon-Deus
Undefeatable Hero
Qapla'
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posted August 22, 2013 01:00 PM |
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So that's why no girl ever wanted to be with me, because I was needy?
Lame.
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Horses don't die on a dog's wish.
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veco
Legendary Hero
who am I?
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posted August 22, 2013 02:09 PM |
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I doubt it was the only reason so cheer up 
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none of my business.
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Drakon-Deus
Undefeatable Hero
Qapla'
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posted August 22, 2013 02:28 PM |
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I'm wasting my life doing nothing much all day because I don't have a social life or a girlfriend
How I can cheer up?
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Horses don't die on a dog's wish.
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veco
Legendary Hero
who am I?
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posted August 22, 2013 02:38 PM |
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For starters you can stop complaining about it in every thread for days on end.
Then you accept your situation instead of looking for who/what is guilty and start working from there.
Working on what? Attitude. Look up Azagal's posts in the What is Love thread from when you were raging.
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none of my business.
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Drakon-Deus
Undefeatable Hero
Qapla'
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posted August 22, 2013 02:49 PM |
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I've tried looking for a date both online and offline and I've had no success and ended up feeling much worse than before. You saw what happened the last time
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Horses don't die on a dog's wish.
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GunFred
Supreme Hero
Sexy Manticore
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posted August 22, 2013 02:51 PM |
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As long as you have a job you are comfortable with and hobbies on your free time and good family relations you can live a happy and respectable life. You do not need a rich social life or a partner for that. Thinking that you need that is going to make you feel worse than you should. Friends and partners can be little more than obligations to some people.
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Adrius
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Stand and fight!
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posted August 22, 2013 02:53 PM |
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veco said:
I doubt it was the only reason so cheer up
Lol ouch.
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Drakon-Deus
Undefeatable Hero
Qapla'
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posted August 22, 2013 02:57 PM |
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I disagree Gun, a social life is important, why else would I feel the need to have one if it wasn't
Saying you don't need friends is just a way to make yourself feel better for not having them.
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Horses don't die on a dog's wish.
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veco
Legendary Hero
who am I?
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posted August 22, 2013 03:01 PM |
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Drakon-Deus said:
I've tried looking for a date both online and offline and I've had no success and ended up feeling much worse than before. You saw what happened the last time
Are you sure you read my post or are you replying to someone else?
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none of my business.
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Drakon-Deus
Undefeatable Hero
Qapla'
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posted August 22, 2013 03:02 PM |
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I think I've mentioned before that I don't want Azagal's advice, he doesn't understand me.
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Horses don't die on a dog's wish.
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veco
Legendary Hero
who am I?
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posted August 22, 2013 03:10 PM |
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Lol and I was just talking about attitude.
This is rich.
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none of my business.
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GunFred
Supreme Hero
Sexy Manticore
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posted August 22, 2013 03:12 PM |
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The cultural effect on the mind is powerful but if you really feel like you need a rich social life to be happy then you are probably right. It is just that social people tend to naturally and passively befriend others around them.
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