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Khaelo
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Underwater
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posted April 12, 2005 12:21 AM |
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This is a reaction post. I don’t have much in the way of advice, unfortunately, but maybe some solace. 
My first reaction is that your feeling of claustrophobia may be as much due to your age as the particulars of your situation. I have just gotten out of college myself and have a brother still going through, and we both feel very similarly about our home. The things we didn’t notice or didn’t care about before have become major annoyances. In a way, that’s a good thing – as you’ve noted, it gives the distance to determine which of our parents’ habits/characteristics we want to carry on and which we want to discard. In another way, at least for me, I need to keep in mind that a lot of my unhappiness is a result of my phase of life, and not the fault of whoever happens to be sitting on my nerves at the time.  Basically, things aren’t as bad as I feel them to be. Life will eventually move on.
One thing that might keep the process positive is looking at what your parents and grandparents did right along with what went wrong. Your parents are still married. Mine aren’t, but I can see that they handled an awkward, difficult situation in the best way they could. For them, that meant splitting up. Your parents have opted to stay together. What is the factor in their marriage, imperfect though it may be, that holds it intact? That could be a valuable lesson to take away.
Another thing that really resonated with me was Stressed Out Mom Syndrome. My mom also gets unpleasant when under stress, and I don’t know how to calm her down either. Intellectually, I know it’s not my job. But that’s hard to “get” emotionally.
Bah, now I have to go drive my other brother to the library, so I’ll end this here.
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 Cleverly
disguised as a responsible adult
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted April 17, 2005 07:16 AM |
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It's awful hard (not to mention painful) to put effort into making a relationship work out if the other person never seems to try very hard at doing his/her part. I often feel that way about Laura, although I understand her case a little. Even if she happens to like me, her shyness make things a lot more complicated than they could be. Being shy myself, I am not unfamiliar with the feeling of holding back because of shyness. So I can relate with Laura in that sense. Back to the subject: what if you're trying to make ends meet with a person whose related to you (a family member) but even they won't do their part? Take my dad, for example. He's got many imperfections, but he tends not to try to make amends where their needed. In his case, it's patience with other people. So if he won't try to help himself, it looks like he's going to have a more difficult time getting along with me and others in my family. I get mad at my dad quite often sometimes, and in the worst case, for no reason other than that he doesn't even put any effort into being an accepting father. That isn't to say we have our calm, positive moments, but the majority of the time I find myself a lot less comfortable. It's like a dreaded cycle that goes on forever without any improvement. There's other issues with my folks that I mentioned earlier, but I won't talk about it this time.
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Laura's on her senior trip. What's more, my uphill climb has barely even started.
-guitarguy
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted April 17, 2005 09:34 AM |
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Patience my friend patience.
Rememeber that song, you can hurry love 
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Dreaming of a Better World
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted April 23, 2005 11:27 PM |
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A change in direction: A true loss
My mom showed me the paper this morning when I got up, saying there was very bad news. She said something like: "Kevin died", but I didn't catch on until I saw the headlines and the picture. That Kevin. A person I happened to know two years ago, killed on Tuesday by a car bomb in the Baghdad. That Kevin.
Kevin was one of the few, true companions I had at my high school. I first met him during my sophomore year, just after I changed schools. I had seen Kevin around campus prior to meeting him, but I hadn't interacted with him in any way. He always appeared very quiet and distanced from most of the more popular crowd. Having met him, I found he was actually a nice guy. He was a junior, yet he and I got along quite well. But it seems he had social problems with his parents back home and had been suffering as a result. The reason I say this is because Kevin never brought lunch to school; he said his mother didn't even care to bug him about it. So he didn't have anything. I'd see him hanging around the lunch area while the other ate, and I knew he'd have an empty stomach. One day, I went up and offered him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a lunchtime favorite of mine. He happily accepted, and it turns out he'd come back day after day to have something with me. Whether it was a sandwich, apple, or chips, he was happy to have some nourishment. The school had taken away the snack and drink machines around the four weeks into my attending there, so by that time there was little else to do to get food.
On occasion, I would be too busy with homework to make my lunch myself. My mom would help me with the sandwich and everything else. I started telling her about Kevin and asked if she could add another sandwich or an extra bag of chips. My mom didn't like the idea at all, thinking that Kevin should be responsible enough to get his own food. I knew she was right, but I knew that Kevin wasn't going to be talked out of bringing nothing each day. My mom finally agreed to pack two lunches, but only several times a week. On the days when I only had my lunch, I made an attempt to share. Kevin was satisfied each day, and our friendships built up as a result.
My mom wasn't the only one who was against Kevin taking others' food. Word had passed to the dean of students, who then tried to get Kevin to stop this kind of behavior. It didn't work, and I continued to provide lunch for my friend. The dean as well as a school counselor called me in to ask that I stop helping the kid. I tried to explain to them that Kevin was a good pal of mine and that he was definitely worth the trouble. They didn't take my words as well as I hoped, and they'd continue to pester me about it from time to time. All the while, I kept bringing the lunches and making my friend happy.
Meanwhile, I had been learning a bit from Kevin about himself. Kevin always wanted to serve his country, namely by joining the Coast Guard. He was a Sea Cadet, apparently learning the ropes as a teenager. His parents were strongly against him having any dreams about joining the armed forces, yet he continually yearned for it. He'd always talk about military stuff and tell jokes about the war and the like; he was a funny guy. I didn't mind hanging out with him at all. He was open to keeping me company and being a friend: something many others had not done for me. I appreciated that so much, even if he was a bit gung-ho.
The companionship carried on until a month before my junior year ended. Kevin was about to graduate, but he suddenly stopped showing at school. I had no idea what was going on; I still don't know what happened for sure. There was some suspicion that he got expelled for some reason, but another idea was that he actually made it into service somehow. He had spoken before about having connections in the Coast Guard, so it might have been possible. Otherwise, I lost all connection with Kevin.
Today's paper said that during the year of his graduation, Kevin turned down joining the Coast Guard after learning there was a two-year waiting period. He joined the army instead and got sent to the front lines. So now, just like those old Vietnam stories, I've found out about the car bomb that went off and took his life a few days ago. I never thought it would come to this. To think that he's gone, well, I just can't fully accept it. I owe a lot to that guy. He made all those lonely years more bearable for me, and I equally hope that he found some goodness in me. Even my mom is mourning this loss; she's glad she made all those lunches. She says that in all honesty. Thankfully, the memories are still here with me, and the harrowing sense of despair will someday give way to the fact that Kevin's finally found peace.
---
My mom and I were talking about Kevin the other day and she said something that really made me think. It was something that I [stupidly] overlooked. Kevin got enlisted because, ultimately, he wanted to serve and defend his country. So he did, and he died. The point is, he put his life on the line and did what he could in such a dangerous part of the world. He went out there to fight so people like me wouldn't have to. I don't think I ever looked at things that way when I knew him three years ago. In this light, I look upon Kevin's sacrifice with truer sincerity and respect.
-guitarguy
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted April 27, 2005 01:24 AM |
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Sacrifice you say? Its exactly the type of thing when you sacrifice your 20 Devils to resurrect 2 lousy imps. You must be so lucky that someone else got to die instead of you. Now sing a little prayer for him, would you.
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted April 27, 2005 05:14 AM |
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Quote:
Sacrifice you say? Its exactly the type of thing when you sacrifice your 20 Devils to resurrect 2 lousy imps. You must be so lucky that someone else got to die instead of you. Now sing a little prayer for him, would you.
Most certainly-- I already did. I take this loss very personally. This is the first time I lost a friend, so I'm particularly devastated by it. Kevin indeed made a huge sacrifice that day; one that took his life. This was found in a local news article:
[Kevin] and another soldier apparently died as they tried to stop the suicide vehicle by shooting at it.
A friend of the family also reported:
"His primary concern was to protect his teammates and to pull his share of the weight and more."
It's said that his and his buddy's actions saved the lives of other soldiers and Iraqis in the area (others were only wounded). This was very same guy who sat with me and shared lunch and stories on all those sunny afternoons. The same one who co-designed our milk carton boat in the sophomore science club. The same one who kept requesting that I play Otis Redding's "Dock of the Bay" and Puddle of Mudd's "She Hates Me". I can still hear his voice. I am definitely hurting over his death.
-guitarguy
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted April 27, 2005 07:10 PM |
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So sorry, Guitarguy. Thanks for sharing with us.
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted April 28, 2005 02:17 AM |
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Edited By: Svarog on 27 Apr 2005
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I've had a similar experience like you, so I know how it is. I'm sorry for your loss. Its just that you and me see it from completely different standing points and interpret it differently. Anyways, dont want to open that discussion again (see a thread of mine - a$$holes, if u want to know why).
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted May 12, 2005 02:27 PM |
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Laura was missed last Friday at our youth gathering. She had a school event to go to; one of several before her week of final exams. Similarly, she did not show on Sunday morning. She will not be able to make the study we're having this Friday, either, because of an awards assembly for the honors program she's in. Meanwhile, I'm trying my best to act maturely about all this and accept it as what has to be done. Of course, my efforts at blotting out the sadness and uncomfortable feeling of not seeing her can only do so much.
I'm fighting an eerie feeling of alienation; it has been here before, but it is only too apparent now. This isn't between me and society, but rather specifically between Laura and I. With her departure imminent within a few months, the loss has shown itself to be quite tangible already! But about this alienation: I fear the possibility of fading from view. Laura has her school friends, who she's been with nearly every day of every week of every year since her 7th grade. Then there's me, a church friend she's known for little over three years, who she only sees on Sundays and occasionally on Fridays. Between her classmates and me, it's clear that I have the least contact with her. At the risk of sounding downright greedy, I'm worried that she may consider me to be no more than a bit player in the current phase of her life. I hope she thinks about me now and then; I'd hate to be forgotten. I mean that on a friendship level, at the very least. Has she found it more enjoyable or comforting to be around her school buddies or me at church? Sometimes I get the mindset that she could be closer to her other friends than she is with me. Try as I might, these possibilities haunt me.
Here's a dream I had earlier today. I'm walking around in this really strange place with completely white walls (probably a museum) and there's a lot of people moving around. Walking through the hallways and corridors, I see what appears to be a group of high school students on a field trip or something. Laura is among them. Being the shy person I am, I sneak behind the group and follow them, so that I can watch my friend. After many twists and turns, I lose them and I desperately make haste to track them down. Failing to do so, I resume being lost in the strange place, unsure and uncomfortable with myself.
My mind goes way too far to upset me sometimes. I hope reality won't reflect any of these thoughts and dreams. I don't want to be the outsider.
-guitarguy
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Valeriy
Mage of the Land
Naughty, Naughty Valeriy
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posted May 21, 2005 08:35 AM |
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Another QP applied to Guitarguy (page 3), congrats on your new red star! 
I felt he deserved a second one in this thread for such open and reflective writing, fully in the "real life talk" spirit of the Other Side.
And I can't give Shadowcaster one
[/admin mode]
I think many adults are unfortunately very emotionally immature - stop in late teens, spending the rest of their life trying to look like they got it all sorted.
There's a danger in acting an opposite of your parents, Guitarguy. What tends to happen this way is:
Generation 1) Behaviour A
Generation 2) Opposite of Behaviour A
Generation 3) Behaviour A
For instance child of a controlling and selfish parent decides to be nothing like that and gives their child freedom, lack of boundaries and does everything for the child. And that third generation child learns to take advantage of that and becomes controlling and selfish from being used to having his/her way with the parent.
In other words - take a circle and draw a non straight line through the circle so that two halves of the circle are of different shape. Call one half 1 and the other 2. That's parent and child in their relationship dynamic - generations 1 and 2.
Then cut out 2 and put it into a new circle - relationship between the child (generation 2) and his child (generation 3). Call the new half of the circle 3 and notice that it looks just like 1.
So it's important not to go into full opposite of parents' behaviour, because this will produce your parent in your child. Instead, evaluate your parents behaviour carefully, bit by bit, and see which bits work and which bits don't work. Carefully selecting what is good to keep and what is good to change. This way you won't miss out on the good bits!
This has been a very valuable insight for me, hope it's of use to you also.
As for Laura, it might be hard, but from all the things you are saying it sounds like she relates to you as one of the buddies she only says hello to and talks to sometimes and would rather spend time with her friends. I'm sure you have a different view of this and I'm not trying to put you down, I just think you might end up hurting yourself more by imagining hidden affections on her side. It's not a challenge to your feelings, but you must be objective and lay down the facts and look at the realistic chances of what you are imagining being true. A painful disappointment is bad, but better than five years of pain AND THEN a painful disappointment.
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You can wait for others to do it, but if they don't know how, you'll wait forever.
Be an example of what you want to see on HC and in the world.
http://www.heroesofmightandmagic.com
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted May 21, 2005 11:06 AM |
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Quote:
Another QP applied to Guitarguy (page 3), congrats on your new red star!
I felt he deserved a second one in this thread for such open and reflective writing, fully in the "real life talk" spirit of the Other Side.
Thanks a lot. I was slightly convinced that this thread was dying off when there were very few people talking, so I'm glad you helped to revive it.
Quote:
So it's important not to go into full opposite of parents' behaviour, because this will produce your parent in your child. Instead, evaluate your parents behaviour carefully, bit by bit, and see which bits work and which bits don't work. Carefully selecting what is good to keep and what is good to change. This way you won't miss out on the good bits!
This has been a very valuable insight for me, hope it's of use to you also.
Your whole circle/line example was very helpful, and quite deep. I agree that throwing myself off to a different path from my parents could turn disaterous if done foolishly. A lot of problems would stem from that and I'll have to be ultimately responsible for how I manage things as a parent. I really appreciate your sharing that with me.
Quote:
A painful disappointment is bad, but better than five years of pain AND THEN a painful disappointment.
True, true. It could be a lot worse.
-guitarguy
PS: Happy Birthday, Laura!!!
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted May 21, 2005 11:08 AM |
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Valiery is our father, even oldtimers
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Dreaming of a Better World
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted May 22, 2005 05:10 AM |
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Quote:
So it's important not to go into full opposite of parents' behaviour, because this will produce your parent in your child. Instead, evaluate your parents behaviour carefully, bit by bit, and see which bits work and which bits don't work. Carefully selecting what is good to keep and what is good to change. This way you won't miss out on the good bits!
The other half of the circle then being only all the bad bits. My poor poor grandchildren...
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted June 12, 2005 09:04 PM |
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My grandma passed away today, after one day of coma in the hospital. So, its pretty rough times for me at the moment.
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted June 12, 2005 10:21 PM |
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Edited By: Consis on 12 Jun 2005
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My Condolences
A sad day for you Svarog. I am sorry to hear of your Grandmother. My Grandfather is soon to die also. He has lost most of his memory and is fighting cancer. I know nothing about you or your relationship with your Grandmother but I do know some people become very close to their Grandparents. If that's the way it is with you and yours then I am truly sorry for your loss.
I think sometimes when people who are close to us die, we must not forget the happiness they brought to our lives. That is a powerful contribution to the world; to bring happiness through friendship or otherwise. It's a contagious thing, happiness... we can sometimes find it by remembering the people who brought it to us while they lived.
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Roses Are Red And So Am I
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted June 13, 2005 07:13 AM |
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Quote:
My grandma passed away today, after one day of coma in the hospital. So, its pretty rough times for me at the moment.
I'm very sorry about your grandmother, Svarog. I hope you and your family will find some comfort knowing that she is no longer suffering. Like Consis, I've yet to go through similar experiences in the near future.
Incidentally, one of the grandparents of my church friend Laura passed away on Friday night. Laura was mysteriously absent from this Friday's youth activity, and we had no idea about what was happening until she filled us in today. It looks like a down time for a lot of us.
Take care, all. And cling to the memories.
-guitarguy
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted June 13, 2005 08:21 PM |
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Today Was The Day
He is dead. He died this morning. I'm not sure what else to say right now. My sister called me a couple of minutes ago with the news. I don't know when the funeral will be held and I don't even know how I will get there.
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Roses Are RedAnd So Am I
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted June 13, 2005 09:03 PM |
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Just wanted you all to know I popped my head in today to see many elders passing to the other side.
My love to all of you. The way people like me see it, when our elders pass to the next life, they become very powerful forces in our lives. Their presence may change for us, but it does not pass. In psychological terms, we think back on the effect they had in our lives in a different way than we did when they were physically present, becoming more aware of it. In Spiritual terms, the energy of their life experiences becomes part of the greater whole energy force moving though all of us.
Either way you look at it, to me it's two ways of looking at pretty much the same thing.
They all did good things and left their mark, and you three are now here, sharing your experiences in losing them, to prove it.
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted June 13, 2005 11:04 PM |
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Yeah . . . .
Looks like I can't be at the funeral. I calculate the distance from my home to where the funeral will be held. It is 2,015 miles (3,220.8km for europeans) distance. It will cost me upwards of $800 to fly there on such short notice. This distance and these costs are far beyond my abilities. I suppose I will simply have to send a letter. It is all I can do. I wish I could be there. He was a great man. He was a WWII veteran, chemist, oil scientist, and geologist. He has his own patents for special drilling techniques used to drill oil for much cheaper and less labor. Suffice it to say he was a brilliant man with a lifetime of amazing achievments. After the war, when he came home, his family gave him all of their money so he could go to college and get a degree that he wanted. He has since paid them all back with love, kindness, and more than a fair share of profits from his business successes.
This past week was difficult. He had lung cancer from smoking most of his life. He had just been to the hospital where they were confident he had most of the cancer removed. So they let him go home. It was at his home, in the care of a nurse, that he fainted and never came back to life. It was the end of his life. He was 79 I believe. He was a good man who always gave his children the support they needed when they needed it. Perhaps one day a book will be written about his life. I know I would enjoy reading it.
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Roses Are RedAnd So Am I
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted June 14, 2005 12:57 AM |
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Sorry, Consis
It sounds like he was a really good man. I suppose that's something to really look up to; something I'm not likely to celebrate myself. My grandfather is too spoiled an individual to be considered anywhere near a great man; there will probably be mixed emotions when his funeral comes around. I know that and expect that for a person I'm supposed to love, I must suffer that hurting feeling all the time.
But enough about my problems. I wish you & your family the best during this time.
-guitarguy
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This thread is pages long: 
