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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Tell a joke
Thread: Tell a joke This thread is 27 pages long: 1 ... 4 5 6 7 8 ... 10 20 27 · «PREV / NEXT»
Adrius
Adrius


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Stand and fight!
posted June 14, 2008 09:40 PM

Yess!! Well, I have no joke but I demand my secret award anyway

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Oscarius
Oscarius


Famous Hero
*sleepy*
posted June 14, 2008 09:43 PM

yes the secret ......

Its nothing!!!!!
(suprised??)
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Adrius
Adrius


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Stand and fight!
posted June 14, 2008 09:48 PM
Edited by Adrius at 21:49, 14 Jun 2008.

Surprised? I'm dissapointed...

I'll cheer myself up with a joke: There was once a road, and it was gritted"
Man, that joke sucks in english...

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Lexxan
Lexxan


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Unimpressed by your logic
posted June 14, 2008 09:51 PM

Quote:
Quote:
Lenny decides to talk a walk next to the River. While crossing a bridge, he sees a man looking over the bridge mutterting in himself: "27, 27, 27, 27, 27,..."

"Why do you keep repeating 27 ?" Lenny asks
Man:"Look over the bridge's edge and you'll know."

Lenny looks over the bridge's edge, when suddenly the man pushes him which causes Lenny to fall in the river. As Lenny submerges he hears the man yell: " 28, 28, 28, 28, 28,..."


Ive heard many similar but its still good (Not so brutal though)

Also gongrats for the next poster as that will be the 100th post in this topic


You're lucky I didn't tell the version where they poke eyes out
____________
Coincidence? I think not!!!!

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Oscarius
Oscarius


Famous Hero
*sleepy*
posted June 14, 2008 10:10 PM
Edited by Oscarius at 22:18, 14 Jun 2008.

Ok some "What do u get if u cross" jokes

What do u get if u cross:

A Crocodile with a Parrot?
Dont know but u better give it crackers if it wants some.


A snowman with a vampire?
A colldbloded monster.

A hedgehog with a balloon?
A BAANG!!!!
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Mamgaeater
Mamgaeater


Legendary Hero
Shroud, Flying, Trample, Haste
posted June 14, 2008 10:16 PM
Edited by Mamgaeater at 03:56, 15 Jun 2008.

Quote:
Ok some "What do u get if u cross" jokes

What do u get if u cross:

A Crocodile with a Parrot?
Dont know but u better give it crackers if it wants one.


A snowman with a vampire?
A colldbloded monster.

A hedgehog with a balloon?
A BAANG!!!!

might want to spell it cookies or crackers
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Oscarius
Oscarius


Famous Hero
*sleepy*
posted June 14, 2008 10:17 PM

[quote

might want to spell it cookies or crackers


Srry ill change it

(btw, thanks for the crackers!!)
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Adrius
Adrius


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Stand and fight!
posted June 14, 2008 10:31 PM

I just found this one, at least it brought a smile to my lips

A big-city California lawyer goes duck hunting in rural Texas. He shoots and drops a bird, but it falls into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbs over the fence, an elderly farmer drives up on his tractor and asks him what he's doing. The litigator responds, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replies, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer says, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiles and says, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asks, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replies, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thinks about the proposed contest and decides that he could easily take the old codger. He agrees to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbs down from the tractor and walks up to the city fella. His first kick plants the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and drops him to his knees. His second kick nearly wipes the man's nose off his face. The barrister is flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causes him to give up.

The lawyer summons every bit of his will and manages to get to his feet and says, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiles and says, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

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DagothGares
DagothGares


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
posted June 14, 2008 10:45 PM
Edited by DagothGares at 22:47, 14 Jun 2008.

NOTE: this will only be funny if u speak dutch ... (to understand it you must now that the dutch word for breeding is fok)

In the 90's president Clinton visited our country Belgium. Our king then (Boudewijn) was going to have dinner with him. Boudewijn did not know the english language very well, so he started panicking. "Oh, my God, what to say to the man." he said. The secretary of state said: "don't worry, talk about hobbies. I heard he has a ranch and does horse-breeding." Boudewijn was a bit more relaxed and goes to the table.

Boudewijn: So, ehm... I heard you fok horses.
Clinton: Pardon?
Boudewijn: JA, paarden!

Ok, now another one for the english speaking public.

Did you hear the story of Bam, the dog?
A dog crosses the street.A car drives up and BAM, the dog.

Did you hear the story of Quick the giraffe?
A giraffe crosses the savannah. A chopper flies by and quick, the giraffe.

A guy wants to cross the desert. There's a camel salesman. He buys the camel and starts crossing the desert with the warning that the camel might stop running after a few hundred miles. He goes anyway.

After about 500 miles the camel stops. Luckily, there's a camel repair shop nearby. He brings him in. there he meets a man. He ays: "uhm... My camel stopped working." The man replies: *Typical islam accent* No worries sir, Just take it to tha pit. yea yea, pit, sir." They take the camel to "the pit". They find a small pit in the ground. The man crawls in the pit and the guy pushes the camel over the pit. The camel repairman picks up a wooden board. He slams it in the groin of the camel and it speeds away at 100 miles an hour.

"THAT's AMAZING!" the man said "but how do I get my camel back?" "No worries sir, just go standing over the pit."


Why do men always bump in your rear bumper?
'Cuz they think this | | is 15 cm (5 inch?)
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Lexxan
Lexxan


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Unimpressed by your logic
posted June 14, 2008 11:05 PM

Quote:


Boudewijn: So, ehm... I heard you fok horses.
Clinton: Pardon?
Boudewijn: JA, paarden!






Explanation:

fokken (fok): too breed
paard(en): Horse(s)


Good one Dagoth, allthough I already knew this one.
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Coincidence? I think not!!!!

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mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted June 14, 2008 11:07 PM

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Panther.
Panther who?
Panth er no panth, we're going thwimming.
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Eccentric Opinion

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Mamgaeater
Mamgaeater


Legendary Hero
Shroud, Flying, Trample, Haste
posted June 15, 2008 04:00 AM

two men walk into a bar...

they get drunk and none come out *drumroll*
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Asheera
Asheera


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
posted June 15, 2008 08:01 PM

Blonde jokes

What have a blonde driver and a peach in common?
They're both gathered from the trees.


Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."


Cop jokes
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."


A policeman stops a man that was driving way above the speed limit.
COP: "Slow down there, do you want to end up in the hospital?"
MAN: "Yes."
COP: "Great, are you a smartass?"
MAN: "No, I'm a doctor!"


How many cop jokes are there? Just two, all the rest are true!
____________

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Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 16, 2008 11:01 AM
Edited by Galev at 11:02, 16 Jun 2008.

Well, I'm not sure what are the frequent characters in English jokes, but I think you will understand this:

The fairy godmother, little-red-riding-hood, the wolf, the granny, the goblin, the agressive piggin, Steve, Joe, the blonde, the brunette, the bunny, the bear, the lion and the policeman walk into the pub. The barman asks abashed:
"What's this? Some kind of a bad joke?"

By the way: do you know the agressive piggin?
____________
Incidence? I think it's cummulative!

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Asheera
Asheera


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
posted June 16, 2008 02:25 PM

Prison vs Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they only ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to wait in line and share the toilet.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and then inside bars.


Joke
An angry husband complains to his wife: "I'm gonna fire my driver! He almost killed me three times this week!". The wife calmly responds: "Don't be so tough with him dear, give him another chance."


That's all for now... my mind is dry
____________

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Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 16, 2008 02:39 PM

Hehe, I knew these with the prison. Makes you wonder...

The aggressive piggin is travelling by bus. The ticket collector comes:
-"Tickets, season-tickets please..."
-No Thanks!!!

The aggressive piggin meats the fairy.
-You can have two wishes, dear aggressive piggin.
-I want a tree that can't be cut out!
-Here you are. Your second wish is?
-Cut it out!

The aggressive piggin falls into a hole. The bear walks near and notices him.
-Wait aggressive piggin, I go for help and get you out...
-I won't wait!!!
____________
Incidence? I think it's cummulative!

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TheDeath
TheDeath


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
posted June 16, 2008 03:10 PM

Haha @Asheera's jokes I knew some of them, but were still funny

Two drunk guys go out of a bar.

Guy #1: "Whoa, look how sunny it's here"
Guy #2: "That's not the Sun you idiot, that's the Moon".
Guy #1: "That's the Sun"
Guy #2: "No it's not, it's the Moon"

and they continue like this, until a cop comes by.

Guy #1: "Hey officer, look, to close this stupid's mouth, what's up there, the Sun or the Moon?"

The officer looks at it for a few minutes and then replies:

Cop: "Honestly, I don't know, I'm not from these parts..."

----

What's more important? The Sun or the Moon?
The Moon obviously, since the Sun shines when there's already light outside...

----

After a long fight, a husband tells to his wife: "You know something? You are completely worthless, and I'll prove it to you. TAXI!"

A taxi comes by.
Husband: "How much will it cost to take me to the airport?"
Driver: "50 dollars sir, it's quite far away"
Husband: "And if I bring my wife as well?"
Driver: "Well no extra charge, same price..."
Husband: "See? You're completely worthless!"

----

At school, the children were told to write down an essay about their lives if they were millionaires. The teacher looks and sees one student waiting for something.

Teacher: "Why are you not writing this essay? Think about being a millionaire!"
Kid: "I'm waiting for my secretary..."

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Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 16, 2008 03:36 PM

Good ones

The mouse goes to the shop.
-How much the hole in the cheese cost?
-Nothing.
-Good, then I would like one kilo, please.
---------------------------------------------
How do you know if the Russians are spying on you?
There is one extra wardrobe in your hotel room. And why?
Ivan sits there busy making notes.

And how do you know if the Japanese spy on you?
The fly have one extra leg.
---------------------------------
To Japanese children are playing:
-Guess what's in my hand.
-Hi-fi.
-Of course, but how many?
--------------------------------
Old Mrs. Green Is going home from shopping, carrying two big bags of toilet paper. The neighbor asks shocked:
-Mrs Green, you bought that many?
-No, I'm just back from the laundry!
--------------------------------
-I can never drink a good coffe -complains the scotsman to his friend.
-Why?
-You see, I like it with two spoon of sugar.
-And so?
-Oh, at home I drink it with one, at a party I drink it with three.
--------------------
-Joe, how can it happen you have so bad marks from arts if you can draw such a magnificent elephant?!
-But it's a horse!
----------------------
Arts class:
-Joe, what have you done?
-A cow eating grass on a field.
-And where is the field with the grass?
-The cow ate it.
-And where is the cow?
-Do you think, miss, it would stay if there's nothing left to eat?
____________
Incidence? I think it's cummulative!

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DagothGares
DagothGares


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
posted June 16, 2008 03:38 PM

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


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Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 16, 2008 03:44 PM
Edited by Galev at 11:01, 17 Jun 2008.

ROFL


About everyone's favourite OS's developer:

God decided to destroy the world, thus summons the three most important people of the world: the americain president, the religious leader of the east and Bill Gates. God tells them of the decision and to tell the people about it.
The religious leader of the easten world announces in the paper:
"Men, I have two bad news to say: First, we were wrong: God exists. Second: now the world will be destroyed."
The americain prsident in the TV: "Civilans, I have good news and bad news. Good news is that we were right: God exists. Bad news is now the world is going to be destroyed."
Bill Gates on his blog: "Hey guys, I have good news: I'm one of the three most important men in the world, and I need not to develope Windows any more."
____________
Incidence? I think it's cummulative!

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