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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Tell a joke
Thread: Tell a joke This thread is 26 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 20 ... 22 23 24 25 26 · «PREV
Celfious
Celfious


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Rat whisperer
posted March 19, 2017 08:16 PM

Never trust in atoms.

They make up everything.

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artu
artu


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
posted June 28, 2017 05:46 PM
Edited by artu at 17:47, 28 Jun 2017.

Professor and his students are standing around a cadaver, he starts to speak with an authoritarian voice:
- My young co-workers, the first thing you should know to become a real doctor is pure and simple, you should not feel disgusted about anything related to the human body, now watch, learn and do as I do.

The professor then, puts his finger up the cadaver's ass, takes it out and starts licking his own finger.The students first think this is some kind of a joke. But as they realize how serious their teacher is, they all follow his act and start licking their own fingers afterwards. The professor continues:

- This brings me to our second lesson. While examining the patient, you must always focus and be really careful in your observations. You see, I put my middle finger up the cadaver's anus and licked my index finger afterwards. Now, you know how important it is to pay attention to detail.
____________
I sincerely hope they get ass cancer - fred

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fred79
fred79


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
SCOURGE OF THE H-SEA
posted June 28, 2017 07:45 PM

I've heard that same joke, only it's a farmer with kids on a field trip, and the ass is that of a cow.

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artu
artu


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
posted October 15, 2017 03:22 PM
Edited by artu at 15:23, 15 Oct 2017.



Two youngsters are arrested for selling drugs, the judge decides to go easy on them and sentences them to attend to an educational programme about the harm of drugs, sharing their experience. After a month, their parole officer checks up on them:

- So, how's the programme?
- It's been good. I already convinced around a 100 people to stay away from drugs.
- Is that so, how did you manage that?
- I drew two circles on the board, told them the big circle is their brain before taking drugs and the small one is their brain after taking it.
- Straight to the point and simple, I like it. How about you?
- Oh, I did a little better, about 700 people.
- 700! Really? Well... how?
- I drew two circles on the board, told them the small circle is their butt hole before going to prison because of drugs and the big one is after they do.
____________
I sincerely hope they get ass cancer - fred

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Tsar-ivor
Tsar-ivor


Legendary Hero
Soli deo gloria
posted October 16, 2017 01:32 PM

A gypsy and his son are hauling a cartload of bags. They are stopped by a police officer who says-


'Alright then what have you stolen? Out with it- what's in the bags?!'

The Gyp father answers-
'just grass officer all it is'

The officer is avin none of it, he rips a bag open, filled with grass then another the same.
'Alright then off you go'

As they're trotting off the father speaks to the child
' You see ma boy? That's how you sreal a cart.'
____________
"When you can't run, you walk. When you can't walk, you crawl. When you can't do that, you find someone to carry you."

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Twinflower
Twinflower

Tavern Dweller
posted December 20, 2017 01:15 AM

Professor and his students are standing around a cadaver, he starts to speak with an authoritarian voice:
- My young co-workers, the first thing you should know to become a real doctor is pure and simple, you should not feel disgusted about anything related to the human body, now watch, learn and do as I do.

The professor then, puts his finger up the cadaver's ass, takes it out and starts licking his own finger.The students first think this is some kind of a joke. But as they realize how serious their teacher is, they all follow his act and start licking their own fingers afterwards. The professor continues:

- This brings me to our second lesson. While examining the patient, you must always focus and be really careful in your observations. You see, I put my middle finger up the cadaver's anus and licked my index finger afterwards. Now, you know how important it is to pay attention to detail
____________
The blood in me gives me eyes to see (c)

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Galaad
Galaad

Hero of Order
Li mort as morz, li vif as vis
posted February 01, 2018 09:13 AM

Here's an old one but reading it again made me chuckle.


An elf, a halfling and a dwarf are standing side-by-side at the urinal.

The elf finishes and proceeds to wash his hands. he is scrubbing and washing his hands clear up to his elbows. He turns to the other two and comments: our elders have taught us elves to be clean.

The halfling finishes his business and only used a little water to wet the tips of his fingers and comments: our elders have taught us halflings to be conservative of nature's resources.

The dwarf finishes his business and heads straight for the door, he turns and comments: our elders have taught us dwarves how not to piss on our hands.
____________
That's not intentional. That's the phone. -fred79
You need to read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. It will calm you down. -Blizzardboy

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artu
artu


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
posted February 06, 2018 04:39 AM

There is a Mars voyage planned. It is crucial to the future of humanity. Unfortunately, the mission is a one-way ticket and the astronaut won't be able to come back. So, they are looking for a volunteer.

First, they ask a priest. The priest says, "I require a million dollars, I'll donate it to charity. Then, I'll go."
- Ok, we'll stay in touch.

Later, they ask a scientist. The scientist says he would require 2 million dollars.
- I will spare a million for my family and the rest would go for research.
- Let us get back to you.

Finally, they ask a politician. The politician says he'll close the deal for 3 million dollars. What, why on earth would we do that, they ask.
- Well, I'll take a million, I'll give a million to you guys and then we can send the priest to Mars.

____________
I sincerely hope they get ass cancer - fred

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artu
artu


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
posted March 19, 2018 03:52 PM

Middle-aged guy goes to the doctor and cries for help:

- Doctor, I have this terrible gas problem. I keep farting and farting. I fart at the breakfast table, I fart when I get up, I fart in the bus, I fart during a date, it just goes on and on. Thank goodness, it's the kind of fart that isnt heard or smelled but nevertheless, I'm very uncomfortable. Please help me.

Doctor prescribes the man some medicine, tells him to take it daily and come back a month later. And a month later indeed, he storms into the practice:

- What have you done, man! The farting didn't go away but it's all noisy this time. I fart so hard I can wake up the neighbors.
- I see we managed to fix your hearing. Now, let's do something about that nose of yours.
____________
I sincerely hope they get ass cancer - fred

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fred79
fred79


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
SCOURGE OF THE H-SEA
posted March 19, 2018 07:05 PM

i'm adding these i told to poly to cheer him up. don't care that they're jokes for kids.


who gives alligators presents on christmas?

SANTA JAWS!


what do you get when a duck bends over?

IT'S BUTTQUACK!


what do you call a bear with no teeth?

A GUMMY BEAR!


what do you call a nosy pepper?

JALEPENO BIZNESS!


why do chicken coups always have two doors?

BECAUSE WITH FOUR, THEY'D BE CHICKEN SEDANS!


what do clouds wear under their shorts?

THUNDERPANTS!

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Stevie
Stevie


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted March 20, 2018 01:13 AM
Edited by Stevie at 02:16, 20 Mar 2018.

Wanted to drop a rape joke, but it seemed forced.
____________
Guide to a Great Heroes Game
The Young Traveler

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Salamandre
Salamandre


Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Wog refugee
posted April 04, 2018 11:39 AM
Edited by Salamandre at 11:40, 04 Apr 2018.

“Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?"

She: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... "

Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"

She: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!"

Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price”


- W. Churchill

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artu
artu


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
posted May 20, 2018 02:08 AM

Lol at the new joke about the rise of the dollar and our money (Turkish Lira) losing value:

Kid goes to his father and asks for a 100 dollars on his birthday.

- 400 TL? 450 TL is a lot of money son! Besides, what do you need 480 TL for anyway?
____________
I sincerely hope they get ass cancer - fred

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blizzardboy
blizzardboy


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Prince of Poetry
posted May 20, 2018 03:14 AM

Hyperinflation: where everybody gets to be a millionaire.

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fred79
fred79


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
SCOURGE OF THE H-SEA
posted May 22, 2018 02:33 PM

a priest asks a convicted felon who's about to be executed by electric chair, for a last request.

the convict goes, "yeah, i'm scared. can you hold my hand"?

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Stevie
Stevie


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted May 22, 2018 11:15 PM

Wanted to make a philosophy joke but I just Kant.
____________
Guide to a Great Heroes Game
The Young Traveler

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NoobX
NoobX


Promising
Legendary Hero
posted May 22, 2018 11:28 PM

I have traumas from him.
____________

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blizzardboy
blizzardboy


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Prince of Poetry
posted May 23, 2018 12:59 AM

@79fred

rofl
____________

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Ghost
Ghost


Supreme Hero
Therefore I am
posted May 25, 2018 04:22 PM

In the summer, the penis are big, because the temperature tells the size. If you live in Africa, for example. You are a happy man!

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