Heroes of Might and Magic Community
visiting hero! Register | Today's Posts | Games | Search! | FAQ/Rules | AvatarList | MemberList | Profile


Age of Heroes Headlines:  
5 Oct 2016: Heroes VII development comes to an end.. - read more
6 Aug 2016: Troubled Heroes VII Expansion Release - read more
26 Apr 2016: Heroes VII XPack - Trial by Fire - Coming out in June! - read more
17 Apr 2016: Global Alternative Creatures MOD for H7 after 1.8 Patch! - read more
7 Mar 2016: Romero launches a Piano Sonata Album Kickstarter! - read more
19 Feb 2016: Heroes 5.5 RC6, Heroes VII patch 1.7 are out! - read more
13 Jan 2016: Horn of the Abyss 1.4 Available for Download! - read more
17 Dec 2015: Heroes 5.5 update, 1.6 out for H7 - read more
23 Nov 2015: H7 1.4 & 1.5 patches Released - read more
31 Oct 2015: First H7 patches are out, End of DoC development - read more
5 Oct 2016: Heroes VII development comes to an end.. - read more
[X] Remove Ads
LOGIN:     Username:     Password:         [ Register ]
New Server | HOMM1: info forum | HOMM2: info forum | HOMM3: info forum | HOMM4: info forum | HOMM5: info forum | MMH6: wiki forum | MMH7: wiki forum
Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Tell a joke
Thread: Tell a joke This thread is 26 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 20 ... 22 23 24 25 26 · «PREV / NEXT»
Lord_of_Chaos
Lord_of_Chaos


Known Hero
Chaotic Entity
posted June 09, 2008 06:08 AM

A man walked into a bar.
It hurt.
____________
My artwork Here
Wii friend code: 5851-5127-4914-1820
Brawl friend code: 0173-0991-0556

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | PP | Quote Reply | Link
Bone_Master
Bone_Master


Adventuring Hero
posted June 09, 2008 09:00 PM

I just created one.
A man talks to a child.
Man:Hey,kiddo,how's it going?
Kid:You and your greeting,blah blah blah.
Man:AAH!A vampire.Run everybody!
Later:
Man:You're a harmless vampire,aren't you?
Vampire kid:You and your fears,blah blah blah.
Man:Am I that boring?

Ok,I admit,a very,VERY lame joke.It was worth a try,though.

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
radar
radar


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Castle/Haven player
posted June 09, 2008 09:22 PM

Quote:
VERY lame joke


agreed

------------------------------------
Little George is going to the shop but as he was walking down the street he spotted his neighbour having a sex in bush. He hid quickly and is watching the whole spectacle.

Then he realised someone else caught up the same idea and is sitting next to him watching the pair having sex. It can be an easy way to earn money so...

> Excuse me old man

o Yes?

> Gimmie 20 $ or I'll start to scream

o Ok here you go just shut up

> I will but give me yet another 20 $

o It's yours just let me watch

George came back home happy he had earned so much money. But the things got complicated when his mum noticed he has so much money:

> George, you robber, go to the church and confess

George went to the church and said to the priest:

> Priest, priest I've earned 40$

o Get off I have no money left

____________

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 10, 2008 11:52 AM

I don't know how You call these in English, we call them "tree/wood(en) jokes" (tree=wood=wooden in our language) But all the same:

Bunny was walking at the edge of the forest and he fall down.

Why is the house of the policeman round?
So he can't be cornered.

Why the son of the policeman crying?
He dig a hole and can't take it home.

Two policemen are talking.
-Bet my son is much more an idiote then yours.
-Let's see. Son! Come here.
-Yes, dad?
-Go home and see whether I'm there. -The son runs away to do so.
-Ah, that's nothing. -says the other policeman. -Son!
-What dad?
-Take this penny and buy washingmachine. -The son hurries away. -See, how dumb he is. -says his father proudly. The two sons meet halfway:
-Hey, my father is soo stupid. He told me go home and see if he's there. But he hasn't give me the key.
-Oh, that's nothing. Mine gave me a penny to buy washingmachine. But he didn't tell how many.

OK this one is not too good in English, because the policeman should say "buy a washingmachine" -but let's imagine he can't speak properly... and about that:

Two (Hungarian) policemen are walking in the street and a guy suddenly hurries to them.
-Do you spek English? -they look puzzeled
-Parlez-vous fancais? -they say nothing
-[sprehenzi dojcs]*? -they still just stand. The guy gives up and goes away.
-Hey, don't you think we should learn some languages?
-Why? See how many languages this guy spoke. What good was it for him?

*sorry, I never learnt german, I know not how to spell it

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
TheDeath
TheDeath


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
posted June 10, 2008 02:29 PM

I like the policeman one

A guy is threatened by three tough thieves to empty his pockets.

Guy: "I warn you, I know Judo, Karate, Kung-fu!"

the three thieves run away desperately.

Guy: "and some other japanese words..."



(yea i know they are not all japanese but that's the joke)

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
TheDeath
TheDeath


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
posted June 10, 2008 02:40 PM
Edited by TheDeath at 14:41, 10 Jun 2008.

A psychology teacher explains in class the different human emotions.

First there's the calm state. Let me show you.

*the teacher forms a number and calls*

"Hello how can I help you"
"I'm looking for George"
"There's no-one named George here sir"

See? The calm reply. Now let me show you the frustration reply.

*teacher forms the same number*

"Hello how can I help you"
"I'd like to speak with George"
"Sir, I already told you, there's nobody with that name around here, stop calling in here"

See?

*a student raises up*

Student: "There's another emotion, the desperate one!"

*student takes the phone and forms the same number*

"How can I help you"
"I'm George, did someone leave me a message?"

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 10, 2008 03:07 PM
Edited by Galev at 15:08, 10 Jun 2008.

I'm happy you liked it. But which one, I sent two... or three (counting the crying son...) Anyway:

The math's teacher is on his way home at late night. A robber attacks him but then, suddenly a man in black clothes, wearing a black hat and black ribbon masking his eyes. This strange man takes his sword and saves the teacher.
-Oh my hero, who are you? -asks the teacher, still laying on the ground. The black-robed man draws a big letter "Z" with his sword in response.
-Thank you, my life, Set of Whole Numbers!

I love these

Some notes in advance for the next one. I could not find a good word to express "pogcsa" in English so I used "cheese-cake", but see a picture about it here

Two cheese-cakes are talking.
-Imagine, I applied to the University.
-And, did they admit you?
-Are you mad? I'm a cheese-cake.

Sorry if it cause injury.

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
TheDeath
TheDeath


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
posted June 10, 2008 03:44 PM

Quote:
I'm happy you liked it. But which one, I sent two... or three (counting the crying son...)
The one with the washing machine

Quote:
The math's teacher is on his way home at late night. A robber attacks him but then, suddenly a man in black clothes, wearing a black hat and black ribbon masking his eyes. This strange man takes his sword and saves the teacher.
-Oh my hero, who are you? -asks the teacher, still laying on the ground. The black-robed man draws a big letter "Z" with his sword in response.
-Thank you, my life, Set of Whole Numbers!
Haha LOL

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
Kronos1000
Kronos1000


Promising
Supreme Hero
Frysln Boppe
posted June 10, 2008 04:02 PM

Quote:
sprehenzi dojcs


How about: "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"

Deutsch ist nicht meine erste Sprache, aber ich probiere es zu lernen.

German is not my first language, but I'm trying to learn it.
____________
Hwr cwom mearg? Hwr cwom mago?
Hwr cwom maumgyfa? - 'The Wanderer'

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 10, 2008 07:18 PM

Quote:

How about: "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"

Deutsch ist nicht meine erste Sprache, aber ich probiere es zu lernen.

German is not my first language, but I'm trying to learn it.


Egszsgedre! (bless you, in Hungarian)

@TheDeath I particularly like that one myself as well.

I'm tired, I'am writing an essay for my exam of "Sociology of Health". So I'm going to post some -even- more idiote jokes. You are warned.

Joe do you say a prayer before eating?
No. My mum cooks well.

What's the difference betveen a tomatoe and a giraffe?
???
Then don't go to the market, they will really dish you.

How do they call English cat?
Come here.

What happens if you lock a blonde in a room with two heavy metal balls for an hour? She will lost one of them and ruin the other.

The French, the Englishman and the Hungarian are travelling on the same airplane.
-Oh, it's Paris -says the French.
-How do you know? -ask the other two.
-I put out my hand and touched the Eiffel tower.
Some time later the Englishman says:
-Oh, it's London.
-How do you know? -ask the other two.
-I put out my hand and touched the Big Ben's tower.
Some more time later the Hungarian says:
-It must be Budapest [the Hungarian capitol].
-How do you know?
-I put out my hand for a few seconds and someone stole my watch.

How did Hitler die?
He got the gas bill.

OK, I'm now too tired to write, but that's your only luck. ;D

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
HC SUPPORTER
posted June 10, 2008 07:33 PM

Quote:
How did Hitler die?
He got the gas bill.
This comes dangerously close to some of my jokes. But they're even less politically correct.
____________
Eccentric Opinion

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
The_Gootch
The_Gootch


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
posted June 10, 2008 07:35 PM

What's green and flies over Germany?

Snot-sies!


____________



 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
HC SUPPORTER
posted June 10, 2008 07:46 PM

To quote Baklava's post in the "Bible" thread:
Quote:
About the entire Hitler thing, my friend has a theory about that; Hitler wasn't insane - he was in fact really smart. He killed all those people and buried them; in a few thousands of years, he knew that would turn to oil and he would be the richest man on the planet...
Auschwitz Oil Co. - We sell Jew gas for less.
____________
Eccentric Opinion

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 11, 2008 04:12 PM

Quote:
To quote Baklava's post in the "Bible" thread:
Quote:
About the entire Hitler thing, my friend has a theory about that; Hitler wasn't insane - he was in fact really smart. He killed all those people and buried them; in a few thousands of years, he knew that would turn to oil and he would be the richest man on the planet...
Auschwitz Oil Co. - We sell Jew gas for less.


It's so insane that it's nearly funny. But it's still rather frightening though...

about "my" Hitler joke. I had apogolized in advance. I grew far too tired. I didn't know what I'm doing

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
Oscarius
Oscarius


Famous Hero
*sleepy*
posted June 12, 2008 02:06 PM

Ok srry then
But ill try with an old but rather good one.

A russian, a german and a swede is in the desert when they come to a pool.
Then they hear a voice saying:"This is an enchanted pool, go to trampoline and when u jump in say what u want to land in"
First is the german, he jumps and says "Beer" and he lands in beer and swims around for a while
Then its the russian, he jumps and says "Vodka" and he lands in vodka.
Then its the Swede he preperes for the jumps but when hes at the edge he slips and syas "Oh snow"
____________
Need moar avatars!

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
DagothGares
DagothGares


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
posted June 12, 2008 05:40 PM

A reporter came to the nearest farm once to get a second opinion about mad cow disease.

"Sir what do u think about mad cow disease?"

"ma'am, a cow is mounted once a year by a bull."

The reporter blushes a bit, but continues: "I don't see how..."

"Did you know that a cow is milked twice a day, ma'am?"

"I had no idea, but what does all this have to do with Mad cow disease?"

"Ma'am, if I would play with your **** twice a day and **** you once a year, you would be pretty mad wouldn't you?"

...



(sorry for slight vulgar language)
____________
If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
TheDeath
TheDeath


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
posted June 12, 2008 08:33 PM

Another joke

Some guy wants to get rid of his dog. He puts the dog in his car, drives a bit, and lets him out. Then he returns back home, looking through the mirror to see that the dog did NOT follow him.

When he arrives home, he sees his wife with the dog. He gets angry.
In the evening, he puts the dog again in the car, and drives around the town a lot and randomly, to confuse the dog. Then he lets the dog out, and drives back home.

His wife receives a call: "Honey, is the dog home?"
"Yes"
"Can you put him on the phone? I think I am lost."




PS: This thread deserves to be moved to the tavern, it's not that much spam and some jokes are really good

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
Card_Ximinez
Card_Ximinez


Famous Hero
no
posted June 12, 2008 09:01 PM

Quote:
PS: This thread deserves to be moved to the tavern, it's not that much spam and some jokes are really good


But some of them might still be a little offensive...
____________
wtf this still exists

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
TheDeath
TheDeath


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
posted June 12, 2008 10:15 PM

Quote:
But some of them might still be a little offensive...
Come on man, I mean they can be edited and honestly I don't see that many offensive ones. The 'racist' ones are not really racist, they have nothing to do with the respective nation, in reality obviously. (it's like calling Bush an ape, in reality it's not true, and the joke isn't offensive).

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 12, 2008 10:20 PM
Edited by Galev at 11:39, 13 Jun 2008.

Then people shall "take it easy". It surly won't hurt

The police stop a lorry to check it. After a short time one of the two goes back to the car worried.
"Something is really not all right about this. See, I ask him what he is  carrying. He says "gem". I see the stuff, 'jam' is written on the boxes. I taste it, and it's marmalade."

It might not be that funny in English though...

Something from "vicclap.hu" (appr.:jokepage.hu)

It's seriously not serious, so take no offense! (note: as I'm not native English, I'm not sure which is the less pejorative word, I rely on the dictionary)

A Black wise man wrote to his white neighbor:

When I'm born, I'm black.
When I wake up, I'm black.
When I feel sick, I'm black.
When I get sunburn, I'm black.
When I feel cold, I'm black.
When I die, I'm black.

But You!

When you are born, you are pink.
When you you wake up, you are white.
When you feel sick, you are green.
When you get sunburn, you are red.
When you feel cold, you are blue.
When you die, you are purple.

And you dare call us coloured people?!


 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | Quote Reply | Link
Jump To: « Prev Thread . . . Next Thread » This thread is 26 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 20 ... 22 23 24 25 26 · «PREV / NEXT»
Post New Poll Post New Topic Post New Reply

Page compiled in 0.1594 seconds